Like all good Americans, I love getting laid. Hence, parties. And when I strut my stuff at a party, I'm beating off the sweet hot mamas with a 12-inch stick. Sadly, not everyone is blessed with my animal magnetism. And for you, the less fortunate, God has given you the next best thing: the pickup line.

There are two types of pickup lines--the ones that lead to sex, and the ones that don't. Avoid cutesy pickup lines like, "Gee, I didn't know angels flew so low," or "Was your father a thief? Because he must have stolen the stars and put them in your eyes." These cheesy lines are sexual poison. Never use them.

Also stay away from the overly aggressive pickup lines: "Hey baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?" or "Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize?" Lines of this ilk make you sound childish and immature, and if you're looking to sleep with immature children, you should be put in jail, sicko.

What you want is to copulate with a mature, well-developed adult. Therefore, the pickup line you need is one part sexual innuendo and one part humor. We're not looking to pulverize the iceÉ just to crack it a little, so the warm waters of friendly conversation can seep in and melt away awkwardness, revealing your inner sexy beast.

If you are feeling a little shy, try one of these: "Is that a mirror in your back pocket? 'Cause I can see myself in your pants"; "I love your outfit. Can I talk you out of it?"; "There must be something wrong with my eyes. I can't take them off of you." If you're feeling a little bolder, try something like: "The only reason I'd kick you out of bed is to fuck you on the floor." Or finally, "The word of the day is 'legs'. Would you like to go back to my place and spread the word?" The critical ingredient here is humor. If you come off creepy and lecherous you are doomed. Just play it cool.

And don't feel constricted by the conventional options (thousands of which you can find at Instead, tailor make your own pickup line to fit any situation. I once found myself talking to a hot funeral home worker, and next thing I knew I was saying, "I hope they make 12-inch coffins, 'cause you're giving me a stiffy."

Sometimes appearing vulnerable can work in your favor. "Did you know my high school voted me most likelyÉ to make love with you tonight?" is brilliant. The leading question draws in your audience, and the punch line is so nerdy that he or she is bound to laugh. And laughter is the most direct line to a man or woman's heart, which is the organ that pumps blood to the genitals.

The bottom line is this: your options are only limited by your imagination. Using my techniques, you can sleep with as many people as you want at parties, home, or on the job. And by the wayÉ do you work at Subway? 'Cause you just gave me a footlong.