TO THE EDITOR: I'm an 80-year-old broadie, and had my 'maiden' encounter with the Portland Mercury on Friday around 2:45 pm [March 18, the one with the gang bang feature]. I read it all the way through, and decided the humor is pre-adolescent. Sorry. I distinctly remember my boys were about 11 and 12, and were sitting on our front porch with a couple of neighborhood friends. They probably didn't realize I could hear them chatting. As I said, pre-adolescent humor. Plenty of f---cks and c---ks and various other basic Anglo-Saxon.
I hate those four-letter words with a purple passion, not because they shock me, but because they sound damn ugly! Today, my boys use them occasionally, but they have no appeal. I hope they've never attended an orgy. I doubt it.
As for your attitude toward 78-year-old grannies; it stinks.
FINGERED BY STRANGERS
TO THE MERCURY: In what other publication can a guy have his singing called "sexy" in a review of his record [Mission to Mars review, "Up & Coming," March 18] and then get to see a photo of the reviewer naked in a hot tub and learn about her near fingering by a stranger ["Bang a Gang," March 18]? Willy Week? Rolling Stone? I think not. To sum: hooray for the Mercury's support of local music, hooray for naked pictures of Marjorie Skinner, and double hooray for getting fingered by strangers!
Philip Golden, Mission to Mars
LAKE OSWEGO PUNKS ARE BUNCH OF BITCHES
TO THE MERCURY: I realize that you guys know everything about the "cool" scene. But show some respect, dammit. NOFX is one of the greatest, pure punk bands of all time ["Up & Coming," March 25]. Fuck those "Lake Oswego punks"... they're bitches. NOFX ain't trying to play for them and damn you for insinuating such a thing. And I'll be damned if I'm going to sit around and let you make it seem like their act has turned into some Abercrombie-wearin' social event. They're trying to change the system. That's what punk has always and will always be about. So you can eat a dick for sayin' otherwise. Thanks.
WINNERS ALWAYS WIN
TO THE EDITOR: I'm a devoted Mercury reader. Recently, a contestant won free tickets to the Britney Spears concert ["Prize Fight," March 4]. Afterwards another person wrote in complaining how they wished they had won, and this person received the "Letter of the Week" ["Letters," March 11]. Then the Britney ticket winner wrote to complain about the person who wrote in previously, and she won the "Letter of the Week" ["Letters," March 18].
Now, this is a huge injustice to the rest of us who are attempting to win these contests and would like an equal chance. The way I see it, winners who have won within the last few months should not be allowed to win.
The Editor responds: Good point, Robbie. However, we at the Mercury have a motto: "Funny trumps fair." Therefore if we think it's funnier for you to lose rather than win, then you lose. Bearing that in mind... you lose.
SELF-CRUCIFIXION MADE EASY
TO ANN ROMANO: Regarding your recent column ["One Day at a Time," March 25, in which a Maine man unsuccessfully tried to crucify himself], the proper way to crucify oneself is to first prepare the cross by putting a large nail (or spike) through the backside on one end of the horizontal beam, so that the pointy end sticks forward. Then climb up, tie your waist loosely to the vertical beam (so you don't fall off before nailing yourself up), nail your feet down, nail your hand/wrist down on the side that doesn't already have the spike in it, and finally smack your free hand as hard as you can against the spike until you finally pierce it. Then all you gotta do is wait. Probably quite a while.
CONGRATS TO VAL for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week," which includes two tickets to the Laurelhurst, and two passes to see Electric Six at Dante's on Tuesday, April 27. Hooray for Val, and sucks to be you, Robbie!
HEY JERRY MASTERSON FANS!
Time is running out to order your limited edition Jerry Masterson "Promotional T-shirts are Fucked!" promotional T-shirt. After TUESDAY, APRIL 6, we will be taking them off the market, and if you don't order yours, you'll be walking around looking like a big dumb jackass. They're only $15 (includes shipping), and are made by American Apparel which makes even ugly people look hot 'n' sexy. Order yours today at www.portlandmercury.com or... you guessed it... you'll be fucked.