That thing around Ms. Lohan’s ankle is a Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitor, which works by measuring alcohol content in the wearer’s perspiration. As you may have heard, Lohan’s SCRAM anklet went off during a post-MTV Awards party on Sunday, instigating a new li’l shitstorm of revoked-then-repaid bail and dramatic protestations from the Camp Lohan, […]
David Schmader
Posted inOh, You Kids!
Today in the Basic Care and Handling of Baby’s Faces
As Orwell wrote, “We have now sunk to a depth at which restatement of the obvious is the first duty of intelligent men.” And so I share this I, Anonymous submission sent from Seattle: You NEVER Hit a Baby in the Face To the father smacking the face of his toddler daughter outside my cafe: […]
Posted inMusic
Lady Gaga Wrestles with the Video Legacy of Madonna
…for all eight and a half minutes of the just-released, extravagantly derivative “Alejandro” video. I bet Madonna’s kicking herself for never thinking to deep-throat a rosary. To regain her top status, she’ll have to fist the pope.
Posted inHealth
Groin-Punching is Unhealthy
ABC News reports on the health-endangering possibilities of ‘Sack Tapping’—A Schoolyard Game Turned Ugly:: Gone are the days when bullies merely gave wedgies. The newest fad in schoolyard violence? A quick slap to the testicles. In the game of “sack tapping” or “ball tapping,” as it is called, a boy will try to slap or […]
Posted inFood and Drink
Hankering for a Cup of Shrek’s Minty Jizz?
McDonalds is here to please! Via Towleroad via Buzzfeed via Hell.
Posted inTV
You Haven’t Lived Until You’ve Heard Andy Rooney Say “Lady Gaga”
Truly, there’s something about the way he swallows the second syllable of Gaga that’s like the sound of someone becoming decrepit. From Time.com’s collection of the Top 10 Grumpiest Andy Rooney Segments, which was brought to my attention by MetaFilter. Also, to be fair, unless you are already dead, you are slowly turning into Andy […]
Posted inLuv
Mother’s Day
Submitted to I, Anonymous: No one wishes you a Happy Mother’s Day when all your babies die before they are babies. Not even the one who made the dead un-babies with you. When the things you birth don’t have fingers and toes or a face like yours…they don’t count. There is no Hallmark card for […]
Posted inHorrors
“It’s the Problem in the Marriage Bed No One Likes to Talk About…”
Please meet the Better Marriage Blanket: Thank you, Videogum.
Posted inTV
Gabourey Sidibe Hosts SNL: The Promos
I am excited/cautiously pessimistic about Gabourey Sidibe’s hosting gig on this weekend’s Saturday Night Live, but this collection of promos—three out of four of which are actually funny—gives me hope. “It’s okay, take off your pants.” Thanks to the lesbian shitasses at Jezebel.
Posted inSex
Good News for the Catholic Church!
That latest priest swept up in a celibacy-breaking, headline-making scandal is untainted by charges of pedophilia. He just wanted to bone a hooker.
Posted inNews
Pope on the Ropes, Part 498
Gawker reports on the Pope’s odd habit of extensively shielding child molesters while instantly excommunicating priests who broke vows of celibacy. (Apparently, raping children does not qualify as breaking your vow of celibacy. Good to know!) Meanwhile, Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens are plotting to have the Pope arrested for crimes against humanity. From the […]