“I’ve got a secret.” a katz / Shutterstock.com Republican opposition researchers have whipped themselves into a frenzy over Hillary Clinton’s Wall Street speeches, and here’s what they have to show for it so far: nothing. We know that Hillary made around $12 million for various speeches over the last few years. We know that three […]
Matt Baume
Posted inElection 2016
Clinton Campaign Accidentally Makes Pro-Trump Ad
“Why, I never.” a katz / Shutterstock.com I was lying naked in bed last night, my partner dreamily slapping my ass when he said, “You know what the problem with Hillary is?” There was no salvaging the mood at that point, so I rolled over and said, “What?” “She’s Margaret Dumont,” he said, referring to […]
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Hillary vs. Donald
“Bye, Felicia Cruz.” a katz / Shutterstock.com <a href="http://www.thestranger.com/news/2016/03/09/23681147/it-looks-like-its-going-to-be-clinton-versus-trump”>So here we are, in the same place that we were two months ago: it’s going to be Trump versus Hillary in the general election. And before you get too excited about Hillary devouring Donald in the coming debates, just remember: smugly dismissing Trump is what got […]
Posted inElection 2016
Donald Trump Solves JFK Assassination, Mocks Puny Human Concepts of Reality
Is he a man? Or endless Destruction walking the Earth, seeking retribution for the human Age of Reason? a katz / Shutterstock.com Okay, so he’s probably not the Zodiac Killer. But did Ted Cruz assassinate JFK? You’d probably answer “no” if you get all of your information from “the media” and “available evidence” and “the […]
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John Kasich Confident he Could “Probably, I Mean, I Don’t, I Don’t Know,” be President
John Kasich: Coming in third in a two-man race. Andrew Cline / Shutterstock.com “I don’t know how it all works, okay?” said last-placer John Kasich at a campaign appearance that was supposed to demonstrate his mastery over issues facing the country. He was responding to questions at the Commonwealth Club in San Francisco, a sort […]
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How Much Wooing of Bernie Supporters Can We Expect From Hillary Now?
We’ve entered the “killing time until the curtain call” part of the Democratic race. a katz / Shutterstock.com Okay, can we finally be real and say that Hillary’s getting the nomination? Nobody’s still expecting it to swing over the Bernie at this point, right? His insurgency was exciting, the optimism felt really good (especially in […]
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A Few More Thoughts About Carly Fiorina Scurrying Aboard Cruz’s Sinking Ship
Fiorina: “I’ve always been one step ahead of you jokers. Unfortunately, it is now clear that you are now standing at the end of a pier.” Juli Hansen / Shutterstock.com Another brilliant business move from Carly Fiorina, as you have already heard by now: After withering away in the early days of the presidential race, […]
Posted inElection 2016
Cruz and Kasich Team up to Defeat Republican Voters (by Losing on Purpose)
Well, this is the end. Joseph Sohm / Shutterstock.com Look, Republicans, it’s time to face the facts about your party: it’s the party of Donald Trump. It isn’t a party he took over, and it’s not an election that he hijacked — you’ve managed to cook up a horrible little petrie dish of cruelty where […]
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So Did Ted Cruz Have an Affair or What?
Just imagine what it would be like to look down between your legs and see Ted Cruz down there making this face. Trevcor Collens / Shutterstock.com As Savage pointed out earlier, here are some things that the National Enquirer was right about: the John Edwards affair; Tiger Woods having an affair; Jesse Jackson having a […]
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Ted Cruz Salivates Over Toilet Troubles
Imagine what it would sound like to have Ted Cruz slowly licking his lips right next to your ear. Trevor Collens / Shutterstock.com Lately, mainstream America’s been having a kind of wake-up about trans people. That’s mostly meant acknowledging that they exist and are human beings with feelings, which is kind of rudimentary as far […]
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Idiots Expect World to Care that they Don’t Want Harriet Tubman on $20 Bill
Ben Carson: never-ending source of words, often assembled into sentences. louise wateridge / Shutterstock.com Hey everybody, aren’t you all clamoring to know what creepy doctor Ben Carson thinks about the pictures on American currency? As you have surely heard by now, Harriet Tubman will be replacing Andrew Jackson on the $20. As for Dr. Carson, […]
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Bernie Sanders Campaign Discovers They Actually Like Superdelegates After All
It’s the dignity of the political process that I find most inspiring. a katz / Shutterstock.com You might’ve heard that Hillary Clinton won yesterday’s New York primary. Lies! Well, not lies, exactly, but also not the complete story. Bernie actually won the overwhelming majority of counties. Across the vast majority of the state, Sanders came […]