At least I think it’s a seal… maybe a sea lion? WHATEVER!! All I know is this bitch whore of a seal is putting its fishy lips—do seals have lips? WHATEVER!!—all over the most sought after pop star of this or any other millennium, JUSTIN BIEBER! Do you realize how many fanatic 12-year-old girls would happily club you to death to be in your flippers, seal? Or sea lion? Or… or… WHATEVER!!

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Have you purchased your tickets for Justin’s July 14th concert at the Rose Garden? Don’t let this bitch whore seal/sea lion/whatever beat you to it!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

One reply on “Justin Bieber in Illicit Tryst with Seal!”

  1. I hear that seal knocked over his mom.

    And what’s up with that hair? Does his face have an inordinate amount of static-cling?

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