Greetings, fellow Republicans, Libertarians, Tea Partiers, and casual fans of The Fountainhead!
No doubt you have been following with some alarm the criticisms flung from within our ranks at the recent uptick in bicycling. Some of our well-meaning friends demean this act of transportation, seeing bicycles as vehicles exclusively for brainless liberals and politicians pandering to eco-Nazis.
Not so! As we will expound in the following articles, bicycles are the optimal mode of transportation for Real Americans. As patriots, we must distance ourselves as much as possible from the vehicle created and promoted by that National Socialist Henry Ford, which gobbles up taxpayer subsidies and foreign oil, at an alarming rate. Bicycles, on the other hand, create more jobs per dollar than cars, consume far less government money, and are an affordable option for the common man (or ladyfriend).
If our rhetoric does not sway you, sons of Reagan, our pages of informational charts will. If those also fail to bend your stubborn brain, we insist you recite the Pledge of Allegiance while staring at this photo of a supple bicycling patriot in Daisy Dukes until you regain your senses.
Amen, and may God forever bless your bicycle.
Read the Bike Issue articles here!
Read a full list of PedalPalooza bike rides here! (or, if you’re ill-advisedly reading this while biking, find all the rides on our mobile site)
Portland, a fine city with a serious bicycle problem.
I want to see you transport 40,000 pounds of lumber to a building site on your bike. I agree that a bicycle is probably an optimal mode of transportation for SOME people, but not for the majority. I hope you wrote that with tic Sarah. Head on up to Mt. Hood and go skiing with your bikes, or go to Seaside sand go clamming on your bikes.
@ujfoyt: I’d love to see you drive your truck overnight to Europe. Or move 2,000,000 Chinese workers through downtown Bejing with cars. What’s you point? That you can’t drive your truck to the moon? Dude, quit hitting on the same tropesover and over again. Yep, you can’t do some things with bicycles. There’s other things you can’t do with cars. And even other shit you can’t do with planes or trains. The point is to use the best solution possible, not the same solution every single time. Try and think bigger picture than the I-5 corridor of trucking and hauling that you’re obsessed with. The problem is that you think the solution for everything is to just build more roads and drive; you’re and old dog that can’t learn new tricks.
Graham, I was just trying to point out that smirk made a very broad statement when she said that bikes are the optimal mode of transportation for “Real Americans”. I will grant that bicycle commuting works quite well for some people, but not for the majority. Since I don’t ride a bike, I guess I’m not a “Real American”.
I’m a repub with a luxury car, bike rack, and 2 mtb that never see the light of day in Portland b/c they’re nice bikes. I treat my mtb as a hobby, like going on ski trips, resorts, partying, some gambling. The only republicans I know who commute by bike daily have suspended drivers licenses from DUI. (rollingeyes) Sometimes, I’m glad Portland is liberal. If Portland was red blood repub, it would dwarf Las Vegas, have a 12-lane freeway with no shoulder, and giant billboards advertising some liberal non-profit group thanking a nasty casino for its ‘support’. Don’t forget, not all repubs are bible-thumpers. We’re also cigar-puffing F-bombers with a .45 hidden somewhere.
Yeah, Henry Ford was a nazi sympathizer thought.
@ujfoyt – I think this article was supposed to be, maybe just a LITTLE BIT, tongue in cheek. ‘Broad statements’ are part of the whole vibe here.
there has to be a middle i would love to bike to work but time and distance don’t make it logical. However not even as a country as a species we have procrastinated to long on finding efficient forms of alternative fuels.
You’re mistaken. Henry Ford was a Nazi synthesizer. Easy mistake to make.
Until the cycling community and the city officials really start caring about the safety of cyclists, why should I care about their safety and watching out for them? They do not care enough about their own safety to wear helmets and obey all stop signs and red lights. They city does not care about their safety enough to require them to wear helmets, and start licensing and ticketing those who do not obey stop sign and red light laws.
Yes I know not all cyclist are this way, and there are asshole drivers out there. But the laws in the city want to put the safety of the cyclist purely on the drivers shoulders.
touche
And Amy Ruiz brushes Sams teeth
Those aren’t really Daisy Dukes, but I don’t mind staring at them anyway.