“I have lived through 12 different presidential administrations.”
“I have lived through 12 different presidential administrations.” DenisTangneyJr / GETTY IMAGES

Happy Monday, and welcome to another edition of The Trash Report, where I rummage around the back alleys of the internet to turn another man’s news trash into our reading treasure.

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About the Oscars (But Not That Thing)

It's been one hell of a week for people having lots of Strong Feelings About Celebrities. The best take has come from tiny wizard king Daniel Radcliffe:

More interesting is this other story from Oscars night that may have been overlooked due to the resounding echoes of slaps: Jay-Z’s Oscars party at the Chateau Marmont was picketed by workers who allege to have been exploited throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, yet several stars—many of whom publicly support progressive causes—crossed the picket line. Booo! Hisssss! Sure, I'll name 'em: Emily Ratajkowski, Daniel Kaluuya, Timothée Chalamet, Rosario Dawson, Michael B. Jordan, Mindy Kaling, Tiffany Haddish, Questlove, and Zoe Kravitz. Since the event, only Rosario Dawson has publicly commented on it, both denying that she crossed the picket line (she says she arrived after 1 am, when the picketers were already gone), but also that she won’t go back until the labor issues are resolved. That's like getting to a werewolf party after a full moon has set and being like, "What? They all looked like people when I was there!" You were still at a werewolf party, Dawson!

I Would Rule at the Stuffie Slalom

Many news agencies in the Portland area were recently quite tickled by a stuffed animal spill on I-5, which caused a brief closure and minor traffic backup. The reason for the spill has yet to be identified—but I, like any other parent, just assumed that it was from a family vehicle on a brief errand in which a window was slightly cracked and 300 of the roughly 2,000 stuffies normally surrounding a child flew out. Psh, 300 stuffies? That’s what I use as a pillow when I fall asleep in my daughter’s room. 300 stuffies? That’s a disappointing Christmas. 300 stuffies? That’s a trip to Freddie’s when I’m feeling guilty about having said "no" to something else. All this to say: no parents driving were at all impeded by the stuffie bomb; we can bob and weave around those fuckers with our eyes closed (although this usually does result in stepping on several Legos.)

OPB wrote that the Terrible Tilly lighthouse near Cannon Beach has been put on the market for $6.5 million. Things to consider: CON: the current owner had intended to use the site as a place to store people's cremated remains, and 31 people's worth of remains are already there so obviously the place is haunted. PRO: if you click through the image accompanying that article it shows the island is surrounded by sea lions being very cute! Should we overlook the ghosts and start a fundraiser to create a sea lion utopia? Are the sea lions in fact the re-embodiment of the dead people on the island? Should there be some a scary movie about this stormy lighthouse island graveyard where the sea lions become scary and then a whole generation is scared shitless by sea lions? I think we know the answer to all of these questions is, clearly, yes.

Other Animal Stories, but Less Haunted

A flamingo that escaped from a Kansas zoo in TWO THOUSAND AND FREAKING FIVE has been spotted in Texas. Get this: “The African flamingo—known as No. 492 because of the number on its leg band...” aaaand let me stop you right there. It’s not like this dude was named "Freckles" because it had spots on its leg. It had a "492" on its leg because someone put it there and they really could have named it anything! I will give this story a 9 because it did compel me to look up how long flamingos usually live (FORTY TO SIXTY HUMAN YEARS!!!!!), but the story could have been a stone-cold 10 if the flamingo had actually been named "Freckles." Or something funnier. Wayne. Wayne the Fugitive Flamingo. Lessons here are that some flamingos currently living may have witnessed the assassination of JFK, and I should be in charge of naming birds.

Celebrities: They're Just Like Us in That They Are Also Heavy Sleepers!

The London home of Posh and Becks and their family was burgled! While Posh and Becks and their 10-year-old daughter Harper were sleeping at the house! These kind of stories always terrify me and make me afraid that somebody will break into my home until I remember that I don't have piles of "designer and electrical goods" laying around, although someone could make a smooth several dollars off the piles of empty LaCroix cans in my recycling, ALTHOUGH rustling around in the cans would probably be enough to wake me up. So never mind.

This Dog Is Literally "The King of Trash"

That's all I've got for you, friends! I hope you enjoyed our time together. I'm going to leave you with a little something to chew on until next week:

Yours at the trash factory,

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