Imbecile Parade

FRANK CASSANO Like the persistent strain of herpes bestowed upon me by an Old Town whore on February 14 of 1996, the cretins at the Mercury refuse to realize when they’re not wanted. Here’s how they wasted everyone’s time, electricity, and patience this week. • Amateur reporters Sarah Mirk and Denis C. Theriault combined their […]

FRANK CASSANO Greetings, ass. • The directionless Sarah Mirk pathetically begged Blogtown’s halfwit peanut gallery for advice on what to do with Mayor Sam Adams’ tie. Sadly, she ignored my personal recommendation, which involved a ceiling fan and an easily kickable chair. • Having exhausted topics related to Portland’s amateurish “arts” scene, Alison Hallett aimlessly […]

FRANK CASSANO Hello, shit for brains. As promised, I’m here to take you on another depressing tour of Blogtown, the internet’s first ghost town. Let’s see how those Mercury imbeciles embarrassed themselves this week! • Wm. Steven Humphrey valiantly struggled to maintain his Bieber boner after discovering his beloved doesn’t like abortion. This could put […]

FRANK CASSANO Greetings, shitlips! Congratulations on continuing to waste precious moments of your empty, lonely lives by visiting Blogtown, the most useless blog in Portland. (And yes, that includes this one.) Since you clearly have nothing better to do, join me for a tour of the ways in which the Mercury jackasses humiliated themselves this […]