FRANK CASSANO Evening, shit turds. I won’t keep you long, as I imagine you’re eager to get a jump on your exciting Labor Day weekend plans—which are no doubt jam-packed with hours of you, alone, sitting on your fat ass and reading the goddamn internet. • After a too-brief absence, Wm. Steven Humphrey returned—which, naturally, […]
Imbecile Parade
Posted inImbecile Parade
Frank Cassano’s “Blogtown in Review”
FRANK CASSANO “Waaah, waaaah, WAAAAH. Why wasn’t there a ‘Frank Cassano’s Blogtown in Review’ last week? WAAAAAH!” So whined several dozen nauseating emails that were forwarded to me by that ass Wm. Steven Humphrey, who then saw fit to add, “Hi Frank! Might be a good idea to let ’em know you’re ok? Yer pal, […]
Posted inImbecile Parade
Frank Cassano’s “Blogtown in Review”
FRANK CASSANO Evening, fucknuggets. Let’s look back on Blogtown’s week that was! Alternatively, you dull-eyed halfwits could better spend your humiliating amounts of free time doing literally anything else. • Ezra “Ace” Caraeff (poorly) feigned outrage after being sent an unsolicited email about soap. Take the hint, ass, and get in the goddamn shower for […]
Posted inImbecile Parade
Frank Cassano’s “Blogtown in Review”
FRANK CASSANO Afternoon, shitbags. • “I completely forgot about Brumm,” giggled slackjaw Sarah Mirk, explaining why pint-sized mayoral candidate Max Brumm was absent in her story that was about mayoral candidates. “I just straight up forgot that he existed.” Ms. Mirk, you’re as oblivious as the delusional rugrat you failed to report on. Perhaps the […]
Posted inImbecile Parade
Frank Cassano’s “Blogtown in Review”
FRANK CASSANO I have spoken to you before—using monosyllabic words, speaking exceedingly slowly—about the Mercury‘s pathetic lack of discipline and sex drive. But rarely have I seen a week so limp and bereft of content as this past one: Denis C. Theriault, ostensibly attending the birthing of his squalid offspring, was MIA; rather than write […]
Posted inImbecile Parade
Frank Cassano’s “Blogtown in Review”
FRANK CASSANO Hello, fuckwit. Let’s see what the Blogtown retards got up to this week. • Mercury Editor-in-Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey reported on a gruesome local maiming… in order talk about that one time he got high. Keep saving some wall space for that Pulitzer, imbecile! • Marjorie Skinner noted that Portland is on GQ‘s […]
Posted inImbecile Parade
Seattle Music is Better Than Portland Music, Says Guy Who Knows Nothing About Music
Sister Psychic: Better than every Portland band ever In the wake of this weekend’s big footy match, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer‘s Chris Grygiel clumsily throws down the gauntlet and boldly declares that Seattle music rules and Portland music drools. Of course, these “my dad is bigger than your dad” arguments are totally useless, but since we […]
Posted inImbecile Parade
Frank Cassano’s “Blogtown in Review”
FRANK CASSANO While most of Portland’s navel-gazing shitbirds are out farting around in the spring weather, the asthmatic, anemic ding-a-lings culpable for Blogtown are gleefully sitting in their squalid office under a bank of florescent lights, flailing away at their little keyboards in the futile hope that something coherent will result. And thus: Another week’s […]
Posted inImbecile Parade
Frank Cassano’s “Blogtown in Review”
FRANK CASSANO Another week, another soul-strangling display of laziness from the dolts behind Blogtown, the internet’s least favorite aggregator of aging-hipster malaise and decade-old YouTubes. They’re asses for writing it, you’re a fuckwit for reading it, and I need to round up some singles to take to Magic Gardens, so let’s get this bullshit over […]
Posted inImbecile Parade
Frank Cassano’s “Blogtown in Review”
FRANK CASSANO Let us get this over with. • Sarah Mirk nattered on about the World Naked Bike Ride. Like a pervert, she took pictures; like a stupid pervert, she left her camera in her unattended bike bag, which was promptly stolen. Ha! Imbecile. • Ezra “Ace” Caraeff enjoyed a rare, brief moment of success […]
Posted inImbecile Parade
Frank Cassano’s “Blogtown in Review”
FRANK CASSANO While these diarrhetic Mercury imbeciles shit out their so-called “content” on a constant basis, would they do so if there weren’t swarms of happy readers, eager to gobble it up? No, they would not. Like a starving, bald, blind runt of a baby bird, squawking for something—anything—to be dropped into its screeching mouth, […]
Posted inImbecile Parade
Frank Cassano’s “Blogtown in Review”
FRANK CASSANO No, I did not attend the Mercury‘s fruity little “Blogtown meetup.” Unlike you shitstains, I have better things to do than spend time with (A) the imbeciles who “write” the Mercury, or (B) the imbeciles who “read” the Mercury. It’s fantastic you cretins had a delightful time, though. Let’s see if this “Atomic” […]