Imbecile Parade

FRANK CASSANO As we finally finish our slog through another year’s worth of insipid bullshit from the halfwit twat-nozzles at the Portland Mercury, I have been asked by that publication’s cocaine-addled editor-in-chief, Wm. Steven Humphrey, to “take a quick look-see through the archives to find the best Blogtown had to offer in 2011!” Mr. Humphrey’s […]

FRANK CASSANO Another week, another feces-smeared shit parade of half-assed “content.” Keep up the hard work, you diddling imbeciles! Perhaps if you post a few more fashion sale alerts or YouTubes, you’ll manage to stay in business for another seven days! I mean, I certainly hope you won’t, but perhaps you will. Let’s get this […]

FRANK CASSANO Excuse my absence last week, imbeciles. I took a brief vacation to the greater Chicagoland area in order to get the patchouli stench of half-assed revolution out of my nostrils. Alas, shortly after my arrival, I encountered this dipshit. The matter has been dealt with. • Having apparently taken a position in the […]

FRANK CASSANO • After spending years bitching and moaning about other people’s novels, Mercury book critic Alison Hallett is attempting to write one of her own! Ms. Hallett: You will fail. Also, in the ludicrously unlikely event you do succeed, you should know that no one over the age of 12 will want to read […]

FRANK CASSANO Congratulations, shitlip! No doubt due to some painful chafing, you’ve managed to pull yourself away from your favorite porno site for five goddamn minutes. God forbid you leave the cold glow of your computer monitor, however, to go outdoors or talk to a live person—which perhaps explains why, like a drooling halfwit, you’ve […]

FRANK CASSANO Another week, another half-assed clusterfuck of a blog. Let’s get this insipid bullshit over with. • Once again, Marjorie Skinner posted what appears to be every single moment of a television show made exclusively for trust-funded teenage girls and elderly homosexuals. • Erik Henriksen wrote an excellent post that reminds us all—once again, […]

FRANK CASSANO Evening, turds. It was another banner week for Blogtown—which means no one read it, even fewer commenters said anything worthwhile, and the imbeciles tasked with running it shamelessly cut and pasted actual content from other, less depressing places on internet. Congratulations all around, halfwit dicklickers! • The prudish Sarah Mirk watched eight hours […]

FRANK CASSANO I’m on vacation this week, you imbecile. Oh, no, you might have to find something else to read! Here. This seems relevant to your interests.

FRANK CASSANO Earlier this week, the Mercury‘s imbecilic managers called me into their failing publication’s squalid offices. There they asked me to “reevaluate” the way I was running the Mercury‘s Twitter feed. I listened to their constructive criticism, took several moments to consider it, and then informed the pencil-necked dweebs that they should shut their […]

FRANK CASSANO • Wm. Steven Humphrey squirted his panties when Sam Elliott showed up at the Mercury offices. In related news, I met with Mr. Elliott shortly thereafter at the nearby Magic Gardens; I’ll let you slack-jawed cretins decide who showed Sam a better time. And some taint. • As she has done since time […]

FRANK CASSANO Afternoon, dick ticklers. Let’s see how the Mercury fuckwits squandered your not-so-precious time this week. • A “think piece” from Alison Hallett? HA! Good one, you navel-gazing airhead! You will die alone and your cat will eat your body. • During one of his many lonely walks, Wm. Steven Humphrey saw some hobos […]