Imbecile Parade

FRANK CASSANO In the months, days, and hours leading to my brother’s birth, I repeatedly, loudly urged my mother to submit to common sense and get an abortion. Be it in a doctor’s office or a dumpster made no difference, I insisted, so long as it was done. Alas, my pleas fell on ditzy, hormone-addled, […]

Howdy-doody-doo, everybody! Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Hank Cassano, and as you can probably tell from my last name, I’m Frank Cassano’s younger and prettier brother! 🙂 Ha! LOL! Kidding! I josh my big bro all the time, ‘cuz he’s so gosh-darn funny! “Hey, look at me! I’m Mr. Grumpy Pants Frank!” […]

FRANK CASSANO Yes, it’s Saturday. Yes, these posts usually go up on Friday. Congratulations, fucknut! Wasting your life by reading the internet on weekends has clearly honed your observational skills to razor-sharp perfection! • STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESSES! SARAH MIRK FOUND HERSELF A SCOOP! “McDonald’s is a good place to find politically apathetic people.” Imbecile. […]

FRANK CASSANO Having finally been evicted from their current offices, the Mercury imbeciles are relocating downtown, where they will no doubt fit right in with that area’s proud community of crack-hobos and toddler prostitutes. Godspeed, shitbirds! • Marjorie Skinner, having accidentally posted something moderately amusing, quickly compensated by uploading an endless series of photographs showing […]

FRANK CASSANO Blogtown: The worst thing on the internet since kiddie porn. • The painfully out-of-touch Marjorie Skinner blithely equated ugly shoes with terrorism. Congratulations, Ms. Skinner! Your consistent efforts to take the “news” out of “newspaper” are finally paying off. • As a rule, I do not actually read anything “written” by Ezra “Ace” […]

FRANK CASSANO Like the colicky infants of inbreds, the Mercury imbeciles continue to screech incessantly about nothing in particular, desperate for anyone to pay them heed. Do not. • Noted anti-Semite Alison Hallett inspired an insipid comment thread in which Blogtown’s navel-gazers giddily engaged in a simpering hand-wringing contest. • Ezra “Ace” Caraeff ceased whimpering […]

FRANK CASSANO • In a thinly veiled admission of defeat and failure, Mercury Editor-in-Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey begged to be put out of his misery. (What are you waiting for, cretins? Cut off the head, and the body will follow.) • Once again demonstrating her ability to annoy the living shit out of anyone, regardless […]

FRANK CASSANO • Denis C. Theriault posted his usual number of stupefyingly boring stories this week, inexplicably choosing to illustrate one of them with an utterly irrelevant photograph of Commissioner Amanda Fritz attempting to shake hands with a newspaper box. ATTN. MS. FRITZ: INANIMATE OBJECTS CANNOT VOTE. • Marjorie Skinner proudly announced that the Mercury […]

FRANK CASSANO Welcome back, shitbirds. • Curious about the state of the newspaper industry? Witness Wm. Steven Humphrey humiliatingly begging for you to attend the Mercury‘s crappy yard sale. (One thing that won’t be for sale? This rose, given to me by the sensually intoxicating Steph Stricklen.) • Displaying a degree of retard-thusiasm she usually […]

FRANK CASSANO Unlike you shitstains—who apparently have nothing but time to waste—I’m a busy man. Let’s get this over with so I can get back to my Barney Miller DVDs. • Alison Hallett interviewed some whiny ballerinas and ballerinos who—when they aren’t adjusting their dance belts—are attempting to replace the Mercury as Portland’s least-relevant publication. […]

FRANK CASSANO ATTN. SHITSTACHES: Why are you here? Are your computers broken? Are you incapable of navigating to any blogs that aren’t fucking awful? • Ned Lannamann was forced to write about a band people have actually heard of. Naturally, he found the experience excruciating. • Tony Perez advocated the drowning of kittens. • Sarah […]

FRANK CASSANO Jesus shitting christ, they’re still at it. • Wm. Steven Humphrey asked, “Whose Desk Drawer Would You Like to Snoop Inside?“, then revealed what was in Alison Hallett’s desk. Like the Mercury, its contents were underwhelming and inane. • Ezra “Ace” Caraeff got his American Apparel panties in a bunch over the fact […]