• In a thinly veiled admission of defeat and failure, Mercury Editor-in-Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey begged to be put out of his misery. (What are you waiting for, cretins? Cut off the head, and the body will follow.)
• Once again demonstrating her ability to annoy the living shit out of anyone, regardless of their idiot beliefs, Sarah Mirk invited herself to a pro-life conference. In related news: Ms. Mirk, along with the entire staff of the Mercury, is an excellent advertisement for Planned Parenthood’s services.
• Like a prim schoolmarm, Ezra “Ace” Caraeff scolded the Trail Blazers’ Brandon Roy for being “passive aggressive.” At the Mercury, pouty whimpering is apparently considered “sports coverage.”
• Marjorie Skinner lazily copied and pasted something having to do with dreadlocks. For a number of obvious reasons, I did not read this post.
• Finally shutting the fuck up about Portland’s irrelevant political scene, Denis C. Theriault decided to waste everyone’s time in a different manner—this week, he fawned over a missing puppy. (Confidential to Mr. Theriault: Everyone knows you stole it, ass. Abducting an animal and forcing it to spend time with you is the closest one such as yourself will ever get to experiencing love.)
• Erik Henriksen spent an entire day drawing tears on the faces of celebrities. His continued employment in this economic climate is an insult to everyone.
• Alison Hallett got her panties in a bunch about the Mercury‘s lack of coverage of comediennes at the Bridgetown Heckling Festival. Alas, L’il Ms. Bra-Burner failed to note one important fact: Nothing with a vagina has ever intentionally made a joke worth laughing at.
• Speaking of unfunny broads: Courtney Ferguson.
• After Ned Lannamann utilized all of his journalistic acumen to accuse Wayne Brady of shitting himself, professional tweester Colin Meloy twatted about it.
I… but… you… but—no. WHAT?!
I hereby take back everything I said about the Mercury‘s shitbrained employees this week, and redirect my fury and vitriol at a new, and even more deserving, target. ATTN. MR. MELOY: You, sir, are a fucking imbecile.
Mr. Cassano,
Please keep up the good work.
Sincerely,
Graham.
Postscript: Please feel free to use my catchphrase of, “You’re still an idiot.”
Spot on Cassano, give these imbeciles hell.
Do you think using the beloved Cassano charachter to comment upon yourselves is too much?
Character? I just had coffe with him last week in Northpo. Very charming in person.
Don’t forget whatshisname, who’s been “reviewing” old gore videos that he probably found in a cat-piss-soaked cardboard box in the basement of a crumbling hippie-house while trying to find “dope” to steal. If this guy is paid with more than just some far-past-sell-by-date snack cakes retrieved from the bottom of a rusty dumpster then there is no justice.
That’s cool, Leaky, but let’s not forget that you’re the guy who disappeared for a week last summer and then claimed you’d been camping “up past Bagby” with Francis Bacon and Sir Francis Bacon.
lol 😀
Now I remember, Mr. Video Nasty is “Dave Bow.” No wonder I couldn’t recall, it’s a boring name. He should really choose a more memorable moniker, like “Hermes Pan” or “Señor Wences.”
FUCK Colin Meloy. Decemberists SUCK ASS!
This ^