Unlike you shitstains—who apparently have nothing but time to waste—I’m a busy man. Let’s get this over with so I can get back to my Barney Miller DVDs.
• Alison Hallett interviewed some whiny ballerinas and ballerinos who—when they aren’t adjusting their dance belts—are attempting to replace the Mercury as Portland’s least-relevant publication. Good luck, asshats!
• Impressively, Marjorie Skinner found something even more annoying than a rag devoted to the cha-cha-cha: A list of the designers who will hawk their preposterous wares at the Mercury‘s upcoming fashion show. I look forward to heckling all of them.
• In even more bullshit fashion news—JESUS SHITTING CHRIST, WILL IT EVER END?—man-child Wm. Steven Humphrey analyzed Wonder Woman’s new costume, noting “her bustier is 37 percent more nip-slippy.” I do not care, as I will not be watching Wonder Woman; as my collection of rare adult entertainments proves, I only watch women act when rates of nip-slippage are at 100 percent.
• Apparently eager to speed the death of print journalism, Ned Lannamann—who, the non-retarded among us might recall, is employed by a newspaper—taught his two readers how to steal the New York Times.
• Forced to drink something other than his usual strawberry daiquiri Bartles & Jaymes, Erik Henriksen passed out on the Mercury‘s urine-soaked couch. It was the highlight of his week.
• Sarah Mirk mistakenly decided it was newsworthy that some idiot wore an idiotic hat.
• Denis C. Theriault reported that Randy Leonard had a bad day. It’s nice to see Theriault’s “writing” is being influenced by his current reading material.
• Surprise, surprise! Neither Ezra “Ace” Caraeff nor Courtney Ferguson did anything even remotely interesting. Their continued inept laziness is bounds for termination.
I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.
bounds? grounds? whatev,
release the hounds.
TOO SOON, Todd impersonator. TOO SOON.
Rip Todd Mecklem. We hardly knew ye.
Seriously, guy that can’t possibly be Todd. That’s not very nice the day immediately after a guy’s death. Ruthless, man. Just ruthless.
Is Todd talking about the Hounds of Hell?
Sometimes I get sad when I think about Todd being dead and roasting in Hell. But it’s posts like this that remind me, hey, at least he maybe has a few dogs by his side.
Peace bro – I hope Todd is “petting and releasing” all the dogs he wants.
agreed, tasteless.
We’ll know Todd’s ghost has actually found a dial-up connection when we get a fresh batch of knee slappers about being constantly raped by thousand-dicked demons.
The carpal tunnel is a cover-up. We all know Frank Cassano killed Todd in a bar brawl last night at Magic Gardens.
Come on Frank, time to stop fussing about the Merc and get to the real meat of the stew, Portland, Sam Adams, bikes galore, schools in trouble while we fuss over trees, the usual crap. You really need to stop by by Albina Coffee on Hawthorne and 50th some morning and get an “adjustment” from your loyal fans.