Frank Cassano’s “Blogtown in Review”

• FRANK CASSANO

I have spoken to you before—using monosyllabic words, speaking exceedingly slowly—about the Mercury‘s pathetic lack of discipline and sex drive. But rarely have I seen a week so limp and bereft of content as this past one: Denis C. Theriault, ostensibly attending the birthing of his squalid offspring, was MIA; rather than write anything of interest to regular people, Sarah Mirk chose to file reports from a virgins’ convention; Ned Lannamann continued his bewildering crusade to slap his palms against a keyboard all day, yet somehow never create even a single sentence of worth. And yet: Here you are, coming back, day after day, to read this fetid slop. Is your life that empty? Is your browser broken? With every click, you encourage these imbeciles; with every click, you force the bile to rise in my throat.

• A quick note to Wm. Steven Humphrey: Should you continue to shit out hourly insults to taste, at least do your few readers the courtesy of hiring one of your underage sex-slaves as a spell checker. “Jimmy Buffet” is spelled J-I-M-M-Y B-U-F-F-E-T-T. Also, it figures you would be a goddamn “parrothead,” you jackass.

• “I don’t care if you’ve seen these already,” proclaimed Alison Hallett, the four-millionth person on the internet to post some pictures of some happy gays and lesbians and what-have-you. Thanks for the breaking news, Ms. Hallett! I look forward to your half-assed reposting of actual news organizations’ stories in the future! (That was sarcasm, sweetcheeks.)

• Mere weeks after Ms. Hallett finally shut her hole about those inane Harry Potter movies, Erik Henriksen has started bitching and moaning about The Hunger Games. At least he had the courtesty of arranging his utterly irrelevant thoughts in a concise, easily ignorable list.

• Courtney Ferguson went to a foot-fetish party. Ms. Ferguson: Please share more pictures of you feet. You will note, I hope, that this is not the first time I have asked you this; nor, I fear, will it be the last. Come now, Ms. Ferguson. I await your email.

• Marjorie Skinner droned, “In 2009 the first-ever Nordic Fashion Biennale went down in Rejvjavík….” No one knows if Ms. Skinner’s post offered anything beyond that sentence, as no one gives a fuck.

• Ezra “Ace” Caraeff played with a doll. And himself.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.