It Sure is a Scientific World

Hot Cuppa’ Crap Kopi Luwak is the world’s most expensive coffee so common sense dictates that you and I will probably never have the opportunity to taste it. Surprisingly, that could be to our advantage, even though aficionados world-round proclaim its goodness. Praised by coffee tasters (known in the profession as “Cuppers”) and gourmets alike, […]

A true privilege of scientists is the gratifying capacity to name things whatever they want. Thank Science Almighty for the power this particular perk wields. Even if things come pre-named, any scientist with a rectal thermometer and a grease pencil can design new distinctions and means to describe them with appellative surety. Renaming is rampant! […]

Cancer & Cocktails-Die As if having cancer weren’t enough of a headache, suddenly scientists are coming down hard on cancer patients if they choose to drown their sorrows with a little Jack Daniel’s or even a colorfully layered pousse cafe. According to a recent study at Washington State University, drinking can “double the weight loss […]

Insure Is! Dear Mr. Dooley, My officemates and I are having a disagreement of a scientific nature. There’s a guy who says that horns are actually made of hair. Is this true? If so, it seems to bring up a litany of questions, to wit: 1) Is horn hair? 2) Is rhino horn bone? 3) […]

Mensa (the High IQ Society), which I’m pretty sure stands for Many Educated Nerds Suffering Agoraphobia, is an international club for “really smart” people. They have a local Oregon chapter, called OMEN, and I’ll tell you what: these brainy social outcasts know how to revel with intellectual impunity! And while they may look dorky, and […]

The latest advances in anti-terrorist technology could very well expose all of us to closer scrutiny. Not so much for what we are, but for what kind of meat we’re packing! If the research goes well, soon we’ll all be wearing horn-rim T-ray Specs, and seeing each other naked–the way Science Almighty intended! Not to […]

Meat eaters rejoice! I mean it. Rejoice right now! Why? Because the good people at Jarvis Products Corporation recently unveiled their latest meat harvesting technological dream machine (drum roll please ) the Jarvis Model SHC 165G Hydraulically Powered Spinal Cord Remover! With this baby in use, the time from feet-to-meat-to-eat is practically cut in half! […]

Honestly! Everything you’ve heard about how everyone hates liars is dead wrong. Twice yearly at Western Oregon University (WOU) in Monmouth, Oregon, liars are not only preferred company, they are recruited. For the 12th year running, WOU’s School of Polygraphy is calling for a few good liars to take lie detector tests during its August […]

Kissing bugs (Rhodnius prolixus) are foul creatures. Originally from South & Central America, populations have been growing in the U.S. for nearly a decade. Kissing bugs love lips. They gather around on the lips while their victim sleeps, bite holes, drink blood, then shit in the hole! Their shit contains a parasite that climbs out […]

Scientists are reporting that coffee has been discovered to kill slugs and snails. Naturally, Northwest gardeners began putting away their Deadline Force II Slug and Snail Bait and started giving espresso a shot. These fresh-face pansies have been brewing up extra batches of Morning Fogcutter, and squirting it around the premises in place of ecologically […]

WEYMOUTH, England–It was announced earlier this month, that a gleeful 400-pound sexual predator named Georges is on the loose at this British seaside resort town. According to victim reports, the offender has been described as blue, with a big nose, and cute as a button! Georges, after all, is a horny bottlenose dolphin and he’s […]

[Editor’s Note: John Dooley is on vacation this week, so please enjoy this rather disgusting column from the Scientific World archives.] Recently, while most of the nation toiled aimlessly at their day jobs, I was recreating myself by reading a report from New Scientist magazine about bug genitalia. Specifically: insect penises. Bug dicks. As you […]