It Sure is a Scientific World

Testicles. What a magical word! In Montana, there are several official testicle festivals with names that juice my salivary glands just thinking about them, including the Nut and Gut Feed, York Bar’s Go Nuts Testicle Festival, Fromberg Festival of Testicles, and the renowned Clinton, Montana Testicle Festival. Each summer, at the Testicle Festival in Clinton, […]

I can’t seem to evolve, and it’s driving me nuts. Either I starve to death or fail to mate, but for one reason or another, I cannot fucking evolve! Here I am, living in the Eocene period 55 million years ago as a diminutive and feeble Teilhardina belgica, a shrew-size primate. As I wander through […]

Halitosis? Spit out those Dentine Ice wads and chew up a copy of the new Scientific American! It’s not as sexy as sucking on an icy-cold TV model’s erect nipples, but it may help your breath smell better. Leave it to Scientific American to tackle the big issues. In the April 2002 edition, there is […]

T hroughout the history of America, the home science project has become a national, cheap entertainment staple. Countless forgotten E=MC Einsteins, Moldy Marie Curies, and “What Happens If I Put Jesus In Piss” Mapplethorpes, have spent their lives mixing shit together for the advancement of science or practical jokestering. Doubtless, most of all home science […]

Local disease information aficionados (also known as Sickies) can pop their favorite carbonated beverage, prepare the celebratory feast, and toss babies in the air. Why? Because scientists have named a cool new disease after Oregon! Not just any disease, but a disease that invades and putrefies the body meat of chickens! For the benefit of […]

There is nothing sweeter than the soothing sounds of a singing scientist? Opportunely for fans of systematic scientific euphony, Dr. Chordate has come to town, and he’s laying ’em down! Science songs that will tear up the charts and bitch-slap our hearts! I know what you’re thinking. You don’t want to give up your Chitlin […]

Scientists around the globe are working hard to create a world where no one has to go without–without an orgasm, that is! England’s internet news & info source, Ananova, recently reported a Romanian doctor has invented a vibrating butt implant that causes women to experience cascading strings of instantaneous orgasms, as many as 16 per […]

Submitted by: John Dooley, Field Scientist U.S.P. Mercury Division, Special Literary Correspondent Undisclosed Poolside Location (Uno mas cerveca por favor) Tactical achievements in modern warfare (using scientific advances) have created the ultimate Hydra-headed war machine. Excluding old-fashioned bullets and bombs–from financial fronts to robotic invasion campaigns, to micro-chip-cockroach-recognizance–war doesn’t get much better than this. The […]

A Dutch dermatologist, bored after working for years growing live sheets of human skin like so much veined sailcloth, wants instead, to refocus his efforts as an organ farmer and branch out into custom meat manufacturing in giant aquariums–without killing animals! The University of Amsterdam’s favorite skin farmer, Dr. Wiete Westerhof says he can use […]

Created to spotlight the dumbest scientific achievements, the 2001 Ig Nobel Award ceremony was held at Harvard University on October 4, 2001. The awards, held yearly since 1991, are co-sponsored by MIT, the Annals of Improbable Research, the Harvard-Radcliffe Science Fiction Association, the Harvard Computer Society, and the Harvard-Radcliffe Society of Physics Students. The ten-category […]

Vanity Fair recently featured a story about people who like to dress up in big fluffy animal costumes, because it inspires them sexually. They call themselves Fuzzies. They say, “I’m in a fuzzy suit–me so cute and horny,” before jacking (or jagging)-off inside the costume. Remember that next time you rent a gorilla suit. Some […]

Chronic nose picking is called rhinotillexomania. It is simultaneously disgusting and fascinating to discover the driver next to you, frantically booger mining while waiting in traffic. Rarely do these suffers of rhinotillexomania utilize socially sanctioned booger disposal devices, such as tissue paper. Most likely, the snot ends up hidden under the car seat. What are […]