Letters

OUCH! THERE’S A CAN IN MY CAN! ANN, ANN, ANN: You poor sheltered child [One Day at a Time, Ann Romano, July 20, in which a can of Barbasol shaving cream was found stuck in a man’s rectum]! That is no “urban myth” as you described it, but solid medical fact! As a longtime employee […]

FAT FIJIAN MYTH DEBUNKED! TO THE EDITOR: I am writing to clarify a bit about Fiji and our “thin not fat” reputation [“Fiji: Thin, Not Fat,” Chelsea Cain, June 29]. Ms. Cain clearly didn’t do her homework. I am borne of a line of, shall I say, robust Fijians. It takes more than a sarong […]

EMINEM FANS VOW TO TORMENT HOMOSEXUALS YO CRETINS: Are you providing an alternative to the tirelessly moronic Willamette Week, or are they actually covertly funding you to invade Portland and make them look good? Your hideous queer issue [Issue 3] is a perfect example. After letting your despicable “One Day at a Time” columnist diss […]

MERCURY CRITIC TO HAVE FUCKING ASS KICKED TO THE EDITOR AND BRIAN H. GRIFFEY: Who the fuck writes CD reviews for the Mercury? Brian H. Griffey for one. Brian, reading your review of my record [CD Review, Day Rate Cessna, June 22], I got the impression you’re a snot-nosed high school journalism student, who had […]

FONTANELLE FAN TO THE RESCUE! TO THE EDITOR: I was disturbed by a scathing review of the local band Fontanelle [CD Review, Ted Thieman, June 22]. Not that I’m a particularly big fan, but in the eyes of this music supporter, such a review does little but harm. In order to have a truly inspired […]

PUKE DOWN MY BACK DEAR SIRS: Your latest edition [Vol. 1, No. 2] looks great. However, I was sorely disappointed to see no personal ads. I remember perusing the personals in Seattle, and it was full of ads like “Well hung, stunning pre-op transsexual will suck your dick and then fuck your fat bitch wife […]

VERA KATZ WROTE US BACK! DEAR MR. HUMPHREY: Our office is unable to fulfill Portland Mercury’s request for a mayoral proclamation. The Office of Mayor Katz does not issue proclamations for commercial ventures, in this case “Portland Mercury Day.” I am enclosing a copy of our policy for your future reference. Good luck on your […]

WE DON’T USE THE “N” WORD DEAR SIRS: I must voice my opinion in the whole John Callahan/Patti Smith cartoon debate. Shame on you! Will we never get over the use of the “N” word? As the chairman of the Portland Association of Guilty White Liberals (PAGWL), I demand that you issue a formal apology […]

Editors note: Welcome to our letters page. We haven’t published an issue since 1931 [see p 9 for details], so we’re a bit shy on letters right now. However, we recently asked the mayors of Portland and surrounding cities for a special request: to declare June 1 “Portland Mercury Day”–a day when all citizens rally […]

ISLAND YOUTH SUPPORT CLOSETED SPACEY DEAR EDITORS: In recent issues of The Stranger someone has had something derogatory to say about Kevin Spacey. In the March 30 issue, David Schmader and Steve Wiecking called Mr. Spacey a “weasel extraordinaire,” and listed him as putting on “the worst performance by a closeted fag” in their Academy […]