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Am I a Closet Heterosexual? Every week, here at the Helsinki Institute, we receive dozens of hermetically sealed titanium trunks full of letters from troubled young people in the throws of personal crisis. Once confident and strapping, these young folk now tremble under the burden of a dark and terrible secret. Will their friends and […]

What follows is my personal recipe for the famous backyard entree, “Beer in the Butt Chicken,” and while some may think this is a veiled joke aimed at Gay Pride week–it’s not. If it were, I’d call the recipe “Beer in the Butt Gay Person.” As we all know, backyard grilling is one part skill […]

NW 21st and Kearney When I have a hangover, I abide by one and only rule: I treat myself to whatever I want. Feeling a little depressed? Buy some shoes. Feeling regretful? Buy some of that crazy Japanese bath stuff that turns your water into jelly… jelly bath, take me away. Feeling hungry? There are […]

Am I Philosophy-Retarded? Have you been described as “slow,” “half-witted,” or “dull”? Are you boring at dinner parties? Don’t worry. You’re not dumb. You just need to bone up on some useful philosophy references. Think you might require some tutoring? Take this simple multiple choice definition quiz and find out. Good luck! Define the following: […]

Taqueria Apatzingan NE 15th & Killingsworth Before I moved out West, I was a staunch Mexican food hater. This is because I lived in Iowa City, and had Mexican food options limited to Taco Bell and a honkey-run restaurant called Gringo’s, famous for their 16-ounce margaritas. Gringo’s was also staffed by sorority ho’s. The moral […]

Am I Spider-Man? It is a scientifically proven phenomenon that when a society focuses all its attention (magazine cover stories, theme alt weeklies, etc.) on the latest trendy sensation, social neurosis often ensues. This is known as “social transference identity disorder,” and it can strike those weakened by an onslaught of hyper-focused publicity, usually surrounding […]

Yuki 1337 NE Broadway 281-6804 Sushi, like capitalism, breeds a very classist system, and as I see it, there are four categories of sushi-dining establishments. 1) The lowest common demoninater: The rotating sushi-mobiles and the grocery store sushi. 2) Mediocrity marketed to the masses: restaurant sushi that’s all California rolls and cream cheese 3) Good […]

Ed and Company 1505 NE Killingsworth 331-8520 A lot of you stinkin’ liberal hippies hate the global corporate structure. You say it exploits workers and contributes to the assimilation of the individual in the marketplace. And this time, you happen to be right. However! Just as one gives mad props to Mussolini for “making the […]

Country Morning Cafe 8202 SE Flavel, 771-0088 If I were to write a book consisting of little anecdotes and stories meant to comfort and uplift the weary mind, I would call it Cantonese Roast Duck and Wonton Noodle Soup for the Soul. Nothing–not even my mother’s Matzo Balls–calms my nerves more than a steaming bowl […]