Masu 406 SW 13th, Suite 202 221-6278 No one can accuse Portlanders of suffering from a lack of good sushi. You would think then that Masu, hidden off West Burnside, might have its work cut out for it. Not long ago, the restaurant’s expansive second floor studio space might’ve served as headquarters for a trendy […]
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Happy Hours
Belmont Inn, 3357 SE Belmont, 232-1998, $2 well drinks, $2.50 micro beers, 4-7 pm daily A cheap stiff drink staple. Brazen Bean, 2075 NW Glisan, 294-0636, $3 martinis 5-8 pm weekdays Undoubtedly one of Portland’s best happy hours–if you can get a table, that is. Candlelight Cafe & Bar, 2032 SW 5th, 222-3378, 4-6 pm […]
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The Road to El Dorado
Rediscovering the Cantina
El Dorado Mexican Cantina and Grill 8001 NE Glisan 255-2407 The cantina. It is a wonderful place I forgot existed. That warm, sweet little restaurant that serves you endless baskets of chips and margaritas in glasses as big as soup bowls. It is the perfect melding between upscale and casual, where the waiters are informative […]
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The Thai Dilemma
Halo Thai: Tasty But Not Racy
Halo Thai 1625 NE Alberta546-7063 After years of wolfing down Thai food in Portland I’ve learned a couple things. Number One: Order what you know–very rarely will you find yourself dazzled by some wacky menu specialty. Number Two: If you want to be dazzled by some wacky menu specialty, you should go to a higher-end […]
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Remember Old Town
Voleur Stakes Its Claim
Voleur 111 SW Ash 227-3764 Old Town is a bizarre intersection of all things Portland. It houses the historic Shanghai tunnels and staple rock clubs Ash Street and Berbati’s, it’s an epicenter for the homeless, a hotbed of drug activity, and a hub for public transit, all the while supporting highbrow businesses like the clothing […]
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Look Who’s Coming to Dinner
A Christmas Feast About Town
Surprisingly enough, not everyone has the great fortune of having a wonderful family to spend the holidays with. In fact, some people have no families, or they have evil families, or their families are on a cruise, or are wrongfully imprisoned for ties to al-Qaida. Whatever the case, not having a family doesn’t mean you’re […]
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Candy Review Revue
Mercury Candy Critics’ Picks and Pans (with No Candy Coating)
Farao Chocolate Cigarettes/Spider-Man Candy Cigarettes For those who love the taste of smoking, but hate the lung cancer, there’re a variety of candy cigarettes on the market for you. And while smoking already looks cool, nothing raises your 4th grade cool quotient like puffing away on a Spider-Man Candy Stick. (Apparently, it’s illegal to advertise […]
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A History of “Delicious”
The Mercury‘s Timeline of Candy–from Pre-History to That Crappy Candy Bar You Had Last Week
1 Billion B.C. Cavemen raid beehives, gorging themselves on honey. Scientists believe resulting “sugar rush” enabled early man to enslave, domesticate, and then systematically murder all dinosaurs. 0 B.C. Christ gets frankincense and myrrh for birthday, which are not edible, and not what he specifically asked for (candy). 32 years later, he dies–allowing […]
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The Candy Makers
Profiles in Greatness
FORREST MARS: DOESN’T MELT YOUR HEART Forrest Mars was born into the candy business. His father invented the Milky Way bar in 1920. But when his dad wasn’t interested in expanding the family company, Forrest struck out on his own. “I told my father to stick his business up his ass,” Forrest recalled in a […]
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Candy’s greatest enemies
Learn to Identify Candy-Haters–Or Your Candy May be Next!
Believe it or not, there are some assholes in the world who hate candy. And when you meet an asshole that hates candy, it’s never very surprising to learn they are filled with hatred toward their fellow man. Examples: Osama bin Laden (hates candy), Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld (hates candy), Pol Pot (hated candy), […]
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We Hate Candy And We Don’t Like Cookies Either
A Counterpoint/Counterpoint Discussion
Candy sucks. And this stupid candy issue sucks worse. Candy is just a gimmick designed to kill children, and this issue is just another Mercury gimmick to lure in an idiot readership. “Oh, hey there, idiot. You like candy, right? You know what else you might like? The Mercury! It’s like candy for your brain!” […]
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Science Says: Candy is the Perfect Food
— HYPOTHESIS: Candy, when consumed in large quantities, imbues subjects with the ecstasy of delicious flavor, as well as increased mental and physical abilities. — EXPERIMENTAL DESIGN: Subject “Kate” underwent challenges with no candy, and then, the following day, underwent four mental and physical challenges againÉ with significant amounts of candy in her system. If […]