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Surprisingly enough, not everyone has the great fortune of having a wonderful family to spend the holidays with. In fact, some people have no families, or they have evil families, or their families are on a cruise, or are wrongfully imprisoned for ties to al-Qaida. Whatever the case, not having a family doesn’t mean you’re […]

Farao Chocolate Cigarettes/Spider-Man Candy Cigarettes For those who love the taste of smoking, but hate the lung cancer, there’re a variety of candy cigarettes on the market for you. And while smoking already looks cool, nothing raises your 4th grade cool quotient like puffing away on a Spider-Man Candy Stick. (Apparently, it’s illegal to advertise […]

FORREST MARS: DOESN’T MELT YOUR HEART Forrest Mars was born into the candy business. His father invented the Milky Way bar in 1920. But when his dad wasn’t interested in expanding the family company, Forrest struck out on his own. “I told my father to stick his business up his ass,” Forrest recalled in a […]

Believe it or not, there are some assholes in the world who hate candy. And when you meet an asshole that hates candy, it’s never very surprising to learn they are filled with hatred toward their fellow man. Examples: Osama bin Laden (hates candy), Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld (hates candy), Pol Pot (hated candy), […]

Candy sucks. And this stupid candy issue sucks worse. Candy is just a gimmick designed to kill children, and this issue is just another Mercury gimmick to lure in an idiot readership. “Oh, hey there, idiot. You like candy, right? You know what else you might like? The Mercury! It’s like candy for your brain!” […]

— HYPOTHESIS: Candy, when consumed in large quantities, imbues subjects with the ecstasy of delicious flavor, as well as increased mental and physical abilities. — EXPERIMENTAL DESIGN: Subject “Kate” underwent challenges with no candy, and then, the following day, underwent four mental and physical challenges againÉ with significant amounts of candy in her system. If […]

Bar Pastiche 3731 SE Hawthorne 236-4760 As Portland gets bigger, it gets trendier, and more niche restaurants pop up. In the last decade or so, we’ve acquired upscale Vietnamese restaurants, highbrow diners, exclusive gourmet family style dining, martini bars, vegan and raw food options, fancy fondue spots, and of course, a resurgence of tapas. Portland’s […]

There are occasions, albeit rare, when one prefers a quality alcoholic beverage over a bucket glass filled to the rim with cheap booze. These scenarios range from the final peaceful hour before your in-laws fly into town to the 45 minutes between that painful breakup and your swan dive off the Fremont Bridge. Whatever the […]

It’s coming. You don’t want to admit it in these last mad days of holiday mall-hopping bliss, but another rainy Portland winter is already here. And when it doesn’t rain, you can still look forward to the sun going down at three o’clock. Yeah, you could escape to the local watering hole, and not come […]

Hockey? Dreary. Running? Lame. Shot put? Please. If the 2004 Olympics taught us anything, it’s that the Olympics are wholly and unequivocally boring. In response to the 2004 Olympics, the geniuses at the Mercury came up with a far better, more compelling challenge of athletic and mental prowess and endurance to pass the long days […]