There’s still time to grab truly original gifts with the Mercury Online Charity Auction! Go to www.portlandmercury.com, and bid for the following once-in-a-lifetime gifts! AUCTION ENDS FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16 AT 5 PM! All proceeds go to help JOIN in their fight against homelessness!
1. FARGO ROCK CITY ORIGINAL MANUSCRIPT—Plus autographed copies of all three Chuck Klosterman books!
2. BLAZER PARTY SUITE—The Blazers vs. the Raptors.
3. KATO KAELIN-AUTOGRAPHED WALL ART—Cheesy, breezy, beautiful!
4. DESIGN THE MERCURY COVER
5. DINNER WITH DAN SAVAGE
6. VIEWING PARTY AT THE CLINTON STREET THEATER—A private party for you and your friends; you pick the movie!
7. INDIE RECORD LABEL GRAB BAG—Over 100 CDs, LPs, and seven inches from Portland Indie giants!
8. HAORI SILK KIMONO—This rare vintage garment predates WWII!!
9. HOT-LOOKING HAIR FOR A YEAR—10 complimentary cuts and colors from Bishops, and more!
10. DATE WITH THE MERCURY GIRLS—Cocktails with the girls of the Mercury!
11. DATE WITH THE MERCURY BOYS—Cocktails with the boys of the Mercury!
12. FROCK GIFT PACK—Crafts, jewelry, clothing, and more!
13. NAME A SANDWICH AT ROUX
14. C.H.U.N.K. 666 ART BIKE—A funky, fun chopper bike built out of salvaged materials.
15. HUMPY’S FAVE TV SHOWS—Six hours of rare-ish TV.
16. TIME-BASED ART IMMERSION PASS—Guaranteed seating for every TBA performance and lecture.
17. “TASTE OF SPAIN” NIGHT—Spanish wines, cheeses, and tapas at Bar Pastiche!
18. TEEN BEAT-STYLE PIN-UP—Your very own pin-up inside the Mercury.
19. SOAPBOX DERBY ENTRY—Guaranteed free spot in the Soapbox Derby!
20. LOTUS SPA PACKAGE—Massage, facial, and more from Ruby Violet!
21. DINNER WITH PUBLISHER ROB CROCKER—Tell him who to fire!
22. CHOCOLATE CLASS AT PIX—A private class with Cheryl Wakerhauser.
23. AUTOGRAPHED VINYL LP—From local hotshit group, the Decemberists.
24. A FEATURE MERCURY STORY ABOUT YOU—Written by Justin W. Sanders!
25. GIFTS FOR DOGGY
26. LOCAL.35 FASHION CONSULT—Consulting from Justin Machus, and $100 in clothes.
27. LINT CRAFT CLASS—Knitting lessons, supplies, more!
28. SWIMMING CLASS WITH PHIL BUSSE—Sexy strokin’ with swim coach Busse.
29. FIVE ONE-YEAR MEMBERSHIPS TO BACKSPACE—A lot of videogaming!
30. WINTER SPORTS PACKAGE—Tickets to the Blazers, PBR snowboard, more!
31. HOUSE PARTY PACK—Rock posters, your own DJ, more!
32. MERCURY EMPLOYEE JOB SWAP
33. BIBLIOFANATIC PACKAGE—Comics, used books, nerd city!
34. SAM ADAMS MOWS YOUR LAWN—Commissioner gives you the outdoor trim you’ve been waiting for!
35. PHOTO-LOVER GIFT PACK—Darkroom time and a professional photography session.
36. “CLEAN UP YOUR ACT”—Life coaching, naturopathic exams, more!
37. “LET’S GET ACCESSORIZED”—Eyewear, earrings, bags, more!
38. SCOTT MOORE WRITES YOUR TERM PAPER—Why? Because you’re lazy!
39. DRAG KING FUN PACKAGE—Dress-up fun with DK PDX—plus booze!
40. ROMANTIC DATE NIGHT #1—Ballet, dinner, romance!
41. ROMANTIC DATE NIGHT #2—Symphony, dinner, Jupiter Hotel!
42. ROMANTIC DATE NIGHT #3—Bikini wax, dinner, Lovelab account!
43. “DAMAGE AND REPAIR”—Bar crawl, followed by a naturopathic exam.
44. FUN IN SEATTLE—Stay at the Ace Hotel, visit museums, and more!
45. ROLLER BOOGIE—Rose City Rollers season passes, plus rollerskating with your friends!
46. VIVA LAS VEGAS STRIP CLUB TOUR—A tour with this lovely celeb.
47. HAPPY NEW YEAR—Dinner and tix to Pink Martini.
48. “MAKE THE MUSIC, PLAY THE MUSIC”—Music classes, plus curating a 94.7 radio show!
49. SING WITH THE MERCURY KARAOKE KREW
50. VOODOO DOUGHNUTS—A dozen doughnuts every month for an entire year!
John Waters says he’s a sucker for Christmas because he’s a “traditionalist” who gets sexually aroused at the “mere mention of a stocking stuffer.” Once upon a time, it would have been hard to imagine ever calling Waters a traditionalist; this is the man, after all, who filmed drag queen Divine eating dogshit in Pink Flamingos and then continued to skewer good taste for the subsequent 30 years. But since Jackass trumped all gross-out maneuvers (and presumably since aging mellows most folks), Waters has moved into the mainstream of American consciousness, with coffee-table art books, a guest appearance on the Simpsons, and now, a traveling Christmas special. A John Waters Christmas Special brings the monologue stylings of Mr. Sleaze himself, as he cracks you up with over an hour of trashy Christmas stories and tales of shit-eating drag queens from Maryland. Think you’ll find a better Christmas special this year? Think again. CHAS BOWIE-BOWIE
Followed by Karaoke from Hell; Dante’s, 1 SW 3rd, Fri Dec 16, 7 pm dinner and meet and greet, $50; 9 pm show, $25-30
If you hate communists as much as we do, you’ll be right at home at Acme’s monthly film series, “God I Miss the Cold War.” Last month it was a screening of the Reagan-era classic Rocky IV. It was intensely crazy and brutally fun—a night complete with trivia, interpretive dance numbers, a real live Russian emcee, and free mini American flags (fuck, yeah!). This week it’s the pre-Dirty Dancing Patrick Swayze/Jennifer Grey classic, Red Dawn. The first film to be released with a “controversial” PG-13 rating, 1984’s Red Dawn could very well be the greatest ragtag-teenage-rebel-army-takes-on-evil-invading-Ruskies film ever. Swayze kicks commie ass. Grey is all pre-nose-job sultriness. And the Russians are nothin’ but cold, cruel, and heartless. Down with the Soviet death machine!!! ADAM GNADE-GNADE
Acme, 1305 SE 8th, Tues Dec 20, 8:30 pm, free, w/DJ MixMaster McFeely spinning ’80s soundtrack hits