Here’s something that should cheer up our Andrew R Tonry a little bit. As you know he went to the Democratic National Convention last week, and wrote the following… oh, how do you say… depressed-as-fuck treatise on Obama, the DNC, and the state of American politics in general. It’s fascinating, thought-provoking stuff for sure, and you should definitely read it. HOWEVER! As bad as things get in America today, I can’t be too much of a sour apple about it because…
LOOK WHAT I FOUND WAITING FOR ME IN MY EMAIL TODAY.
Okay so first I had to stop squealing, pick my jaw up off the floor, and run to the restroom to change my underpants. Then I opened the email.
Okay, seven things:
1) She’s right. Beyonce doesn’t “usually email” me. Because I have the worst life ever.
2) Jay… Jay… Jay… OH! Her husband Jay-Z! (Why does she always have to bring him along to everything?)
3) President Obama… President Obama… President Obama… OH! The president of the United States Barack Obama. (Am I EVER going to get any alone time with her?)
4) So I’ve got until midnight tonight to give her $15 for an opportunity to be flown to NYC and not be alone with her? HMMMMMM. I dunno. And this is starting to sound like one of those “Nigerian bank scams.”
5) The hotel is “taken care of” which I assume means I will be staying with Beyonce (and what’s-his-name) in their hotel? Now THIS might be worth $15.
6) SHE CANNOT WAIT TO MEET ME, GUYS!!!! (Swoon)
7) B… B… B… OH! “Beyonce.” I get it.
Anyway, to the smart but undeniably grumpy-dump Andrew R Tonrys of the world: CHEER UP, FRANCIS! Has there EVER been a world leader who can get BEYONCE KNOWLES to write an email to ME on his behalf? NO, THERE HAS NOT, MY FRIEND. And that is why I say, “This is my America! AND I’M PUTTIN’ A RING ON IT!“
did you buy some new pants on EBAY???
YEAH, CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHATEVER IT IS YOU BOUGHT OFF OF EBAY?
You realize that if she sent this at 10:17 AM Eastern she was almost certainly in bed with her laptop, wearing lingerie and sipping a tequila sunrise, maybe even spilling a few drops on her luxuriantly soft
I’d like to spill a few drops on her luxuriantly soft
Beyonce only asked me for $8. Beyonce thinks I’m small-time. And now I’m going to put my head in the oven.
Beyonce asked me for $12. On the spectrum, it appears I am somewhere between Humpy and Joneser. I can think of worse places to be I guess 🙂
Don’t worry! I will PROUDLY display my awesome MC Hammer… whatever it is… as soon as it arrives!
I would tell you what Beyonce thinks of your post, but I don’t want to wake her.