“Breaking News!!” announces the press release from the Portland Pirate Festival. “The 4th Annual Portland Pirate Festival has been sanctioned by Guinness World Records™ to challenge the record for ‘Most Pirates Gathered In One Location.'”
Since September of last year, I have been planning a rant against the Pirate Festival which is centered on an anecdote about planning to attend a pirate festival in high school but arriving to find it was more like a really crappy Renaissance Faire and not even making it inside because while I was at the gate contemplating the $15 entry fee, a man in pirate garb rode by on a motorcycle eating a chicken leg and talking on his cell phone at the same time while driving the motorcycle and that scared me away BUT I’ve decided that I shouldn’t judge the Portland Pirate Festival by my own grody experiences at different pirate festival years ago so INSTEAD I’m just going to copy-paste these paragraphs from their press release and let you judge it on its own merits:
“Pirates in Polynesia” will be a new festival theme this year! On Saturday evening Kukui Productions promises Tahitian drums, ancient chants and thrilling Samoan sword fire dance followed by an exotic “shake it” contest. Sunday features the swaying hips and haunting melodies of Kukui Production’s dancers and musicians as they invite patrons to join in the Hukilau and possibly some traditional MOKU (Maori face painting).
Saturday night’s Polynesian Review opens with a compilation fire show by Flamebuoyant, Fire Juan and the Mud Bay Jugglers, and finishes with Kukui Production’s Polynesian Paradise! Throughout the weekend enjoy the Caribbean sounds of Sam Bam Boo, the raw natural Didjeridoo vibes of Jake Duncan, the lively Mexican trio, and many more. The entire weekend will be filled with multi-ethnic musical fun.
It didn’t sound too bad till I got to that part about the “raw natural Didjeridoo vibes”.
FUCK NO! DO NOT WANT!
And WTF is “the lively Mexcian trio”?
And don’t get me started on their Oxford comma…
I’m a big proponent of the Oxford comma.
Yes, the Oxford comma is the superior comma. I’m guessing Graham would have started on how they weren’t consistent in their comma usage… right Graham? (no Oxford in the first paragraph.)
@ROM
Or I could complain that what they’re calling a “Samoan sword fire dance” is actually supposed to be called a “Fire Knife Dance”. And yes, their writing is inconsistent throughout the whole press release.
Sometimes I wish Portland wasn’t trying so hard to keep itself weird.
I read nothing about grog, treasure, or saucy wenches, and they couldn’t even work an “ARRRR!” into the release. I’ll stick with the Plunderathon.
Call me crazy, but I am just not a fan of the Oxford comma. And that’s saying something, since I am a fan of just about every other kind of comma.
Anyone who thinks there’s something rebellious, counter-cultural, or indeed interesting, about dressing up like a character from a Disney movie needs to get a life.
Oh, and what Vampire Weekend said.
Hipsters complaining about the entertainments of other people might be the saddest thing on earth. It’s a shame you’re too cool to have fun.