LONG HAVE I heard tell of Collin’s Beach on Sauvie Island.
(Did you know it’s just “Sauvie Island,” and not “Sauvie’s Island”? I always thought there was some intrepid pioneer woman named Sauvie who was 10-feet tall and made out of pumpkins. She domesticated all the Sasquatch on Sasquatch Island, taught them how to harvest clover honey, and then they named the island after her—but, as it turns out, this is not true and it fucking sucks. Sauvie Island.)
A large swath of Collin’s Beach is “clothing optional,” but I’ve always stayed away from nude beaches because there are beaches that are not nude beaches. Some of my favorite beach activities are as follows: gallivanting, swimming just enough to justify a fun dinner, reading the same page of a book three times because you keep getting distracted by somebody’s butt. Nowhere, you’ll notice, did I mention “dongs.” Dongs have never been a part of my ideal beach experience, or honestly you guys, any experience.
I’ve been in dong-rich environments my whole life. I attended a Jewish preschool and kindergarten (Jewish kindergarten… take that, Hitler!) at a Jewish community center and we would dress for swimming lessons in the same locker room as the rest of the population. As a result, I witnessed many old, grown dongs—wise dongs learned in the ways of the Talmud. I played football, and there were plenty of dongs—basking in the middling flaccidity of our suburban mediocrity.
I’m no stranger to dongs, and I don’t actively avoid dongs, but I certainly never went out of my way to visit Collin’s Beach and the cacophony of dongs therein. Then, I ended up at said beach.
It turns out when it’s 90 degrees on a Saturday a WHOLEBUNCHA people want to go to the river. So as we passed crowded parking lot after parking lot, we eventually decided to end up at the Hella Dongs section of the beach—because it would probably be less crowded, and we could keep our clothes on anyway.
I grew nervous, because I was worried the people who traipse nudely around a nude beach might be Champions of Genitalia. I thought I would see two kinds of dongs—the worst dongs and immaculate dongs, which are even worse than the worst dongs, because they make you feel like your dong is one of the worst dongs.
Once I arrived, my tensions eased. There were dongs, yes, and boobs and vagina. There were also people wearing clothing, often in confusing combinations (sunglasses, big hat, backpack, Tevas, dong.) What was also present was a glorious diversity of dongs.
My friend asked how I was handling my first nude beach experience and I cracked some joke about dongs, and I asked how she was doing, and she said something that is hella true. She said we spend so much time feeling bad about our bodies and drumming up insecurities until they’re big fucking monsters—but then you go to the nude beach and see that everyone’s body is wrecked and also beautiful and capable of being loved and most dongs are normal dongs and your vagina is fine and nobody cares about your weird nipple or stretch marks or “big” scar but you.
Go to the nude beach, and don’t be bummed. If you’re gonna be bummed, be bummed that there isn’t a Sasquatch Queen of Sauvie Island. @IanKarmel
One question, Ian- any Shirtcock sightings?
SO MANY SHIRTCOCKS.
Did you ever get your flight? or are you still donging around town?
It’s not necessarily about sexism; it’s about how adults, both men and women, are not only so into this shit now but are so earnest and self-rightous about it, even though it’s just bad-taste crap that was created to make money off little kids, and yet now people can’t just say they like the show or are fans but have to invent some identity “bronies,” like being a “Trekkie” or an “Avatard” but get up in arms when anyone teases them or doesn’t get it. Honestly, it’s rainbow-colored kitschy ponies peddling a bunch of earnest “values” within a fantasy world, so get a sense of humor about it at least.
Most people get made fun of for something, and you’re no different. Especially if what you’ve chosen out of a huge array of culture available to you is rainbow kiddie crap—My Little Pony, Care Bears, Pound Puppies, Shirt Tails, Rainbow Brite, Barbie etc. ad nauseam. I hated this shit when I six. It’s cutesy, sanctimonious, culturally bankrupt crap, and “magic” and “friendship” are not something substantial enough for you to be preaching to me about. “Magic” is hollow bullshit, and friendship is hardly a new idea for the human species. Making friends teaches the value of friendship, not a TV show. Get over yourselves.
Goddamnit, I meant to post this to the letters page. I have dislike my own comment. Others feel free to do the same.
I appreciate your pointing out the incorrectness of “Sauvie’s,” but isn’t it “Collins” beach, not “Collin’s”?
what really sucks about all of the beaches including Collins is wheelchair accessibility or the lack thereof..
You’re right about the Collins part, Rich Bachelor. I fucked up. If you fly down to LA I will let you punch me in the dick ONCE. Offer expires in 24 hours.
They need to just change the names once and for all to Choad Beach at Softy Island.
When I still lived in PDX, I came to the conclusion that most Sauvie Island nude beach goers (an ex talked me into going twice when he was still pretending our relationship mattered to him) want to trick like at the baths but with some feigned vaneer of nudism to make it seem organic and natural. When you’d attend the funeral of a stranger as long it was all in the nude, you’re not a naturalist. You have a problem.
Cacophony of Dongs.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
That’s fine. I was just reading this pamphlet about investment opportunities in Vietnam: “ACRES AND ACRES OF DONG!”
As a frequent visitor to the gay end of Collins beach, I would like to ask straight people to please stop coming to this end of the beach just because it’ll be less crowded. Guess what? Queers have very few spaces in the Portland area that are ours. In fact, gay ladies have virtually no dedicated spaces. This means we treasure the few safe queer spaces we do have. So quit coming down to the last section please and if you do, you won’t be scorned but TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN CLOTHES! This isn’t a place to stare at the naked queers. It’s a place to enjoy nature naked.
Speaking of gay nude beaches, I had the strange misfortune once a while back of being dragged out to Rooster (Cock?) Rock State park by this hippy chick that was a friend of my friend. Way out through the bird sanctuary to the longest gauntlet of naked gay dong I had ever seen in my life. I say misfortune because I am not a dong aficianado and all in our group were quite out of place. I had no idea what transpires out there until we finally broke out onto the beach but suffice it to say it was quite a festive atmosphere for those that enjoy such activities. The hippy chick had been swearing up and down that nobody was ever at this location and got us to go for about a 1/4 mile down the beach saying that it would be empty farther out but the parade of frolicking dongs just would not cease. Apparently it was endless.
I stopped the forced march and declared my desire to recreate at a different location and made an escape through the bushes back to the parking lot. Far be it from me to disparage peoples’ lifestyles or choices of activities that do not concern me but I also do not necessarily want to interrupt or participate. It makes me happy people find places and like minded people to enjoy themselves but I try to not stick my nose where it doesn’t really belong.
Was the Native American guy with the walking stick and impressive cock there?
JRR Trollkien, that was a great story (I was literally loling), but you botched the punch line. Try not to stick your DONG where it doesn’t belong.
@ ebag
True. I knew something wasn’t right.
@Trollkien: Please replace Paul Constant as a writer for the Mercenary*
(*typo is a happy autocorrectcident that occurred while watching Ray Donovan)👍