It’s hard to connect with people, sometimes. There are a bunch of things that I just pretend to like because I feel like it makes interaction with other people easier. Well, I’m leaving town soon, so I’m going to stop pretending and START BEING REAL. WHEN DOES THE REAL WORLD: PORTLAND AIR? OH, IT ALREADY DID? WHO WON? IT’S NOT THAT KIND OF SHOW? WELL THEN WHY THE FUCK DOES ANYONE WATCH IT? NO I WON’T KEEP MY VOICE DOWN, I DON’T CARE WHOSE KARATE STUDIO THIS IS.

I got off-track. Here are some things I’m done pretending to be excited about.

Pinball—I don’t doubt there are people out there who earnestly enjoy pinball. If you pick a thing, there’s probably people who earnestly enjoy it. There are probably people who like to pose Lego figures on their erect penis so it looks like they’re mountain climbing their boner. I don’t understand the boner mountaineers and I don’t understand pinball. When someone tells me a bar has great pinball machines, my only thought is, “How can you tell?” Is a movie or pop culture phenomenon associated with the game? Is it fun because you’re wearing a denim vest with a Poison Idea patch on it, but you’re playing an NCIS pinball game? It must be the irony, because it can’t be the game itself. Maybe (probably) I’m just shitty at pinball, but it seems like you just slap at a metal ball as hard as you can with a paddle and hope it goes into Captain Picard’s mouth or up a ramp that takes you past all of Aerosmith’s gold records or whatever. Plus, you play it alone, so it doesn’t look weird whe… OH, IT’S FOR ALCOHOLICS. OKAY I GET IT.

Good Coffee—I keep buying it, I keep not giving a fuck about how it tastes different than the stuff I buy at the gas station. As far as I can tell, really good coffee tastes like coffee that the ghost of some overly ripe fruit swam around in for a second. It’s different, but I don’t know if I think it’s better. Plus, sometimes I look at the staggering, expensive contraptions some of these places employ and I start to wonder if maybe I’m going to get eaten by a poor person because I’m drinking this coffee, and then I wonder if maybe they’d be right to do it. I go to the good coffee shops too, but listen, I fucks with Starbucks. Sabina was right.

The Portland Timbers—Just kidding.

Breakfast—Don’t get me wrong, I love breakfast, I’m [write fat joke later]! I just love pretty much every breakfast. Fuck yes, I want your weird pork-belly contraption, Tasty n Sons. Fuck yes, I want your breakfast taco that uses a waffle instead of a taco shell, Taco Bell. People wait in two-hour lines for breakfast! Two hours! Be honest with yourself, have you ever really had a breakfast that was worth waiting two hours to order? I haven’t eaten at a breakfast place that was THAT much better than Shari’s, unless a restaurant wants to give me free food, in which case THAT breakfast place is the lone exception.

Next week, me NOT complaining about things people earnestly enjoy.

12 replies on “Portland as Fuck”

  1. Glad you finally came out of the closet about all this shit. Too bad you had to wait until you’re leaving town to feel comfortable enough to tell all of your entrenched douche bag friends or random judgmental strangers you find yourself around how you really feel but I hope it felt good.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go run a bath. I have painted my penis green and affixed googly eyes to the tip. Today is the day my bold Lego explorers will finally solve the mystery of the Lochness Monster.

  2. Dont listen to him Karmel. I feel like you’ve saved the best for last. Sure its not A list stuff but its definitely going to blow Gallagher away down at the LA Comedy Club.
    Remember its all in the Delivery!

  3. I think the lines are partly to say you stood in a line for two hours. I still do not understand this, especially when some of the super popular spots are not worth waiting two hours for

  4. I don’t like pinball either, I completely understand the point, but, whereisthataerosmithpinballmachineanyone?

  6. There is one place to play pinball, and that’s Ground Kontrol on freeplay night.

    Any other time and you’re the weirdo leaving a group of friends at a bar to go do something by yourself OR the even bigger weirdo that has friends that gather around pinball machines. Or the biggest weirdo that goes to bars alone to play pinball.

  7. You’re preaching to the choir about NGaF about the Timbers here bro. Despite the fact that they are the hipster-friendliest pro sports team in the country – or the planet for that matter – the Merc only touches them because they happen to have a superfan in Gjurgs.
    Anyway, see you at Screen Door on Sunday!

  9. Well fuck, you just reminded me that you are one of the few Portland comics that consistently makes me actually laugh out loud. Now I’m just going to miss you that much more. It was a good run!

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