Portland as Fuck

EVERY YEAR I celebrate Thanksgiving with my family and before dinner we’ll go around the table and say what we’re thankful for. I know a bunch of people do this, and of those who do, a bunch of people think it’s awkward and uncomfortable—fuck yeah it is. It’s your family, it’s Thanksgiving… does everything have to be cool? What do you want, to have everybody go in a circle and mention stories they read in the Utne Reader, and then have everyone else in the circle pretend they also read that article, but when pressed for further information they have to say something like, “Oh, I read it as I was falling asleep. Kyler and I went apple picking this weekend and we were just beat, so I don’t remember exactly what you’re talking about, but it totally sounds familiar…” to cover up their lie? Is that what you want? Probably not, it’s a very specific example. Still, I enjoy that tradition, it’s good to appreciate and to be appreciated.

This year, I’d like to propose the beginning of a new tradition. The Thursday after Thanksgiving, you get together with a few people, drink brown liquor, and complain about things you hate, and you fucking own it. Nobody gets to say “first-world problem”—I don’t care how from Vermont they are. If you use the word “privilege” you have to move to Cambodia forever. I call this holiday Kvetchmas. If you find yourself to be a gentile, you can call it Complainoween. Here is my very first Kvetchmas list:

• People with gauged ears. Stop. (This could also be a telegram response to the question, “What’s that awful smell on the elevator?”)

• Why are we still allowing people to save seats in movie theaters? If you need to save seats, you take your ass to the mediocre seats. If you have five windbreakers spread out around you in the baller-ass seats, you’re awful. What, you’re not gonna get to sit next to Craig? Maybe Craig should have left earlier.

• Racists. You’re an albatross around the neck of fun. There are the obvious reasons, but there’s also hidden reasons, like I can’t say “Sonic the Hedgehog” in a Kenyan accent (try it) because I’m a white guy and people would think it’s racist—but I can say whatever I want in a British accent and it’s fine. Fuck you, racists.

• The word “adorbs.” Oh, did I say “the word”? I meant you’re a grownass man, Lydia, cut it out.

• When people get the gender of my cat wrong. You can’t tell my cat is a man? Look at how much scotch he’s drinking.

• I finally peed in a woman’s bathroom this year, it was a pretty big letdown.

• If you don’t like sports, that’s fine, but these fucking “go local sportingteam!” Facebook updates have to stop. I don’t get on your case about the “Nutella, Doctor Who, and Nut Brown Ale if I’m dreaming nobody pinch me LOL” posts, you can deal with an occasional “EVERYBODY SITCHO BITCH ASS DOWN AND LISTEN TO THIS TRUE MOTHERFUCKING LAYUP PERFORMED BY DAMIAN LILLARD IN THE ROSE GARDEN, YABISH.”

• Mean internet comments. Listen, I know you might not like every single thing I write, and that’s fine, but if you give me time, I’ll get better! I’m just trying to make you laugh, and even at my best I won’t be able to please everyone—senses of humor are just too subjective. Still, your negative comments earnestly hurt my feelings, and… it makes me sad, you know? I just want you to like me, and if you stick with me, I think you will. PSYCH! FUCK Y’ALL. I GET PAID TO DO STAND-UP, WATCH THE BLAZERS, AND WRITE MY COLUMN. I’M SITTING IN A RECLINER RIGHT NOW. MY DICK MIGHT BE OUT… YOU DON’T KNOW! BUT IT WOULDN’T BE ILLEGAL ‘CUZ I’M AT HOME.

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