I HAVE NEVER tasted kombucha. I’ve smelled kombucha once. Kombucha smells exactly like a bottle-return machine in the middle of July. I don’t mean kombucha kind of smells like a bottle-return machine in the middle of July, or that the smell reminds me of a bottle-return machine in the middle of July, like how “every time I smell lavender, I think of my dearest Abigail” or whatever, I mean it fucking smells like a bottle-return machine.
Now, five years after smelling kombucha for the first time, I’m forcing myself to taste it. I’m real bummed out about it, too. REAL bummed out. As I write this, I’m staring at three bottles of kombucha, and I can’t stop grimacing. FUCK. Okay. Here it goes.
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Townshend’s Tea Company’s “Brew Dr. Kombucha”
Presentation: “Dr. Kombucha” sounds like someone who’d ruin an outdoor music festival. I’m skeptical of the whole “Doctor” thing… like, this is definitely a kombucha that got a doctorate in creative writing or dance but still insists that you call it “doctor.” The label boasts that each bottle contains 2.2 billion organisms, which is fun if only because this is the first time I’ve felt like Unicron before drinking something I bought at Whole Foods.
Smell: Fruity vinegar. It doesn’t smell unpleasant, but I don’t trust it. I was in a kitchen in LA that smelled like this, and the dude who lived there was in an open relationship, so…
Taste: Oh holy shit, I like it. I’m not even stoned. It’s like bubbly apple-cider tea! The first swig had kind of a weird aftertaste, and my stomach grumbled like a Daughter of the American Revolution watching a couple of gay people get married. I’m skeptical of how much I enjoy it, like BIG KOMBUCHA heard of my dubious nature and switched out my kombucha with some Martinelli’s. Oh god, what if I like kombucha?
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GT’s “Organic Raw Kombucha: Original”
Presentation: It looks kind of like a medicine bottle. Who’s the real Dr. Kombucha, eh? Nobody. It’s not a thing. The bottle has a message to its loyal customers assuring that they’ve changed their labeling rather than changing the way they make their product—not like those fucking punks at Townshend’s Tea Company! (I added that part about Townshend’s, but wouldn’t a kombucha feud be fun? It would.)
Smell: Healthy breakfast, but like, during the last day of Burning Man.
Taste: Pleasant! It’s fruity and effervescent and my tongue kind of feels like it’s coated in something weird, but that’s probably just my body’s immune system making sure I don’t enjoy the taste so much that I accidentally join the String Cheese Incident.
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Búcha’s “Lemongrass Ginger”
Presentation: Búcha? You want me to call you Búcha? Listen to me, I’ve learned through the writing of this column that I actually like kombucha, but if someone walked into my apartment and said, “Hey, we’re gonna longboard down to New Seasons to pick up a sixer of ‘bucha,” I’d kill that person. I’d fucking kill them.
Smell: Lemongrass and ginger and compost, but not in a terrible way.
Taste: This is the fizziest one by far, and the ginger and lemongrass flavors are as subtle as ginger and lemongrass can be. It’s tasty. It’s a tasty treat and I wanted to fucking hate it so bad. I bought it like, “Yeah, this is the one I’ll hate because it’s called ‘bucha.”
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Well, goddammit, I like kombucha. What else have I been wrong about? Stay tuned for my next column “I’d Fuck Kale.” @IanKarmel
Yes, did it again. Dependably the most kickass-iest of all columns!
Thank you!
FUCK WHOLE FOODS.
Haha. This was awesome! I really wasn’t done complaining about your last column, though – how do I get back there? 🙂
The Niagra Grape Kombucha Wonder Drink sort of reminds me of fermented Grape Fanta. Try it!
The kombucha that you drank only approximates the real shit. It’s like eating kimchi in the local Korean restaurant compared to eating the authentic, buried-in-the-ground-for-6-months, still fermenting when you eat it, nastiness that you get IN Korea. (As an aside, I vomited right there in the restaurant when I ate it!) No, Ian, your first thoughts were closer to the real taste of ‘authentic’ kombucha. Wait until July or August, take an empty bottle to the bottle-return machine, fill it up and enjoy the real kombucha. The real shit is NASTY! I have a whole list of nasty shit you can eat….durian, stinky tofu, real fish sauce (made from anchovy fish guts), balut (a fertilized duck egg with a visible baby duck inside that’s hard-boiled), etc.
I WILL NEVER EAT DURIAN.
The Kombucha at the Townshend’s Tea Houses is even better since it’s on tap and you don’t have to deal with the possibility of drinking the gross fungus balls like in the bottles.
Have you tried Kava? I suggest that – it tastes like what I thought Kombucha would taste like, at least until your tongue goes numb.
I haven’t tried Kava, but I’m open to nearly all beverages now.
Old Gold does kombucha right (i.e. they add a splash of it to cocktails).
Kava tastes like mild, dirty water. It’s supposed to intoxicate you, according to all those bars in Fiji that specialize in it. I felt nothing. Kratom is a different story. It tastes like shit, but will definitely fuck you up. You can buy it in many head shops around Portland. Have fun.
Ian – we’re glad you overcame your past experience and tried our kombucha. Thanks for including us in your study, and for the funny and (more or less) kind review. Having enjoyed your comedy, I was happy to see us in your column.
Re: outdoor festivals…see you at Pickathon?
Jake @ Townshend’s
@Jake – You were the first one I tried, you can claim you took my Kombucha virginity. Lets get together and listen to some Alicia Keys.
Amusing.
No. actually, that was really funny.
Damn, Ian, I was hoping you’d tell Townshend’s that they popped your kombucherry.
“You were the first one I tried.” Haha. Creepy.
We’ll keep claim in our back pocket for just the right moment.
@Stewie: Balut isn’t hard boiled. It’s buried underground for a period with hot charcoal placed on top. They cook slowly underground. And if you actually threw up after tasting kimchi there is something seriously wrong with you and your face/mouth.
Oh fuck. I have to start drinking Kombucha now? Will I have to bring it to the next Portland As Fuck Fan Club Potluck? Damn you, Ian, why couldn’t you stay at Voodoo Donuts!!
Don’t worry, I will soon write another column about sandwiches.
Is there some bizarre badge of honor to eating things that taste like ass? I mean it is not as if I have not tried some unusual things but only when it seemed appropriate