SO, WE HAVE food carts named Built to Grill and Fried Egg I’m in Love. Apparently they’re both delicious—I have no idea, because every time I drive by one of them I yell “SHUT UP!” as loud as I can. You’ve already got a FOOD CART in PORTLAND, now you’re going to name it after a band that Nick Hornby would use to make a character seem quirky and interesting? Sew a fucking Pixies patch over your mouth and die, I used to think.

Slowly, though, I’m learning that my deep-seated distrust of all things “cool” just comes from a desire to seem even cooler than those “cool” things, and that isn’t cool, Karmel. They’re just fucking food carts. They want to make you a sandwich and you’re angry about the name? Sew a Pixies patch over your own mouth, you cynical dufus. I’m past that. You want to name your food cart after a band you like? Fucking do it. In fact, here’s a list of food carts that I’d like to see open.

• Ariel Pink’s Haunted Panini

• Bite It You Scone (this would be a G.G. Allin-themed food cart, please nobody eat here)

• Godspeed You! Blackened Cajun Chicken

• Seabass Palaces

• Poi Division

• Say It Ain’t Soup (Weezer and gazpacho, together at last)

• Sunny Day Really Steak

• Pho-ck the Pho-lice (for the annoying AND acceptable ways to pronounce pho!)

• BLT Soundsystem

• Portugal. The Cuisine

• Modest Mouth (tapas)

• Blitzen Cracker

• Julian Quesadillas

• PB on the Kaiser-Roll

• Kendrick Lamarshmallows

•…And You Will Know Us by the Trailmix of Dead

• El Condor Pasta

• Yusuf Is-Salami (formerly Fat Stevens)

• Roxy Foodcart

• Siouxsie and the Banh Mis

• Baohaus (this one probably exists)

• Hamspire Weekend (all right, this one is a stretch, but you’d eat somewhere that had a hamspire.)

• Titus Andronicouscous

• Japancakes

• Radiobread (specialty: OK Compumpernickel)

And finally…

• Shish Kabob Seger and the Silver Buffet Naan

Yo, if you open any of these, I get free food.

39 replies on “Portland as Fuck”

  11. Built to Grill really is one of the best food carts in the city.

    I’m sad that we lost Happy Grillmore to Seattle.

    London Broil Calling?

  13. Sigur Roast
    Bread Can Dance
    This Meaty Coil (gyros)
    Depeche a la Mode (ice cream!)
    Faith and the Booze
    Skewers of Mercy

  14. Where are all the carts based on actual GOOD bands? Kid Rock Oysters, Korn on the Kob, Limp Biscuits, Nickelback Ribs, Green Day and Ham, Lunchbox 20, 311 Flavors, Dim Sum 41, One Direction: In The Mouth?

  21. How about:

    Phish & Chips, The Grilled-Cheese Incident, Disco Biscuits ‘n Gravy, or Leftover Salmon Chowder.

    Oh, damn those darn dirty hippie jam bands–they’re all already named after food!

  23. Rage Against The Poutine
    My Morning Breakfast Burrito
    Tony! Toni! MinesTroné!
    Spaghetti Vedder
    Marky Mark and the Funky Lunch
    Paul’s Foodcartney
    Sashimi Battles the Pink Robots
    Ghostface Chowder
    Nine Inch Kales
    Amy’s Swinehouse
    Notorious BLT
    Mötley Stew
    The Cure (meats)
    Beyoncéggs
    Gogol Portobello
    Passion Pita
    Stone Temple Shallots
    Fleetwood Mac ‘n’ Cheese
    REMmmm
    Shrimp 182
    Pho Phighters
    Dave’s Gruel
    Temple of the Hotdog
    Breadmau5
    Too Shortribs
    Dr. Chevre – Nuthin’ But a Cheese Thang
    Feta Boys
    Pulled Bjork Sandwiches
    Vindaloo Reed
    Peter Nosh
    Manu Chow
    De La Sole
    Strawberry Manilow
    Rye and The Family Scone
    Ian’s Karmel Korn

  28. A Tribe Called Pesto
    Biscotti By Nature
    4 Naan Blondes
    Alice ‘N’ Grains
    Color Me Breadd
    Fine Young Cinnamon Rolls
    C+C Noodle Factory – Things That Make You Go Mmmm
    Ace of Bouillabaisse
    Wasabi McFerrin
    Jimmy All-You-Can-Eat Buffet
    ZZ Pot Pies
    Matisyafood
    Motownphillycheesesteaksandwiches
    Hamtana
    Sinead O’Gratin
    The Chimichanga Experience
    The Pho – Podrophenia
    Public Sesame
    Cypress Grill
    Crosby, Stills & Mashed Potatoes
    Panteracakes
    Marrowsmith
    Vegadeth
    Chef Pepperd
    Squid Row
    Chili Idol
    Lynyrd Gyzzyrds
    Dwight Yolk ‘Em
    Hummus Joplin
    Mama Casserole
    Gingersnap Baker
    Keith Spoon
    Thom Forke
    Clap Your Hands Say Tacos
    Pa$ta
    Velvet Underground Beef
    Engelbert Pumpernickel
    Stevie Ray BonBons
    Bolognaius Monk
    Holland Oats
    Jon Bon Ravioli
    The Almond Brothers
    Roberto Panini
    David Lee Broth
    Happiness is a Warm Bun
    Shrimp! (There It Is)
    PM Prawn

    Oh! and….*brain explodes*

  29. Yoke-O Ono(fresh omelets to go)
    Instant Karamel(A Lennon-themed candy stand)
    While My Guitar Gently Steeps
    Ring of Fire(spicy onion rings)
    Tasty Springfield(featured dish: “Bun of a Preacher Man”)
    Captain’s Beef Hearts.
    Steely Danish
    Emerson, Leeks and Palmer
    Sly and The Family Stone Crab
    Sleater-Kidner (Riot Grrl pub grub)

  31. The Brian Jonestown Mascarpone
    Crepes ‘n Crepes
    Theoretical Grills
    Get Behind Me, Seitan
    Grill Communication
    Grilling Joke
    Beefty Boys: License to Grill
    The Hunan League
    Ricehouse
    Sigue Sigue Spudnik
    Pear Ubu
    Ultralox
    Tubesteak Army
    Lime and the Chili Solution
    The Popover Group
    Red Curry Yellow Curry
    The Teacup Explodes
    PBJ Harvey
    Pretty Girls Make Gravy
    Revolting Coq au Vin
    Bon Eclair

  34. A thousandorsenwellesclapping.gif’s to you Karmel. You called yourself and everyone else out on the bullshit of hating on cool things often being a form of hyper-narcissism. I have often thought this myself, but always would stop short of calling myself or anyone else out over it. While it could be considered a stumblebrag by some, it is a truism that cool-hating is too often done by cynical would-be (if anyone cared about their opinion)tastemakers.

    That said, Lena Dunham is still a hack, Girls sucks, and just because you are aware that you are a social leper and emotional pandoras box does not make your constant reverence over your own life a “refreshing lack of vanity” it is just a high profile LiveJournal

  35. Hey mediocre! Thanks for reminding this thread what the internet is truly about. We’d clearly gotten way of track with too much clever fun and frivolity. Forgive these next contributions, for they really don’t apply anymore:

    Boomtown Brats
    Mango Jerry
    New Sliders of the Purple Sage
    Rye Cooder
    Maple Singers
    Bread STYX
    Suzi Quatro Framaggio

  36. Hey mediocre, I don’t know what’s going on in your life but I challenge you to come up with ONE, just ONE silly cart name to prove you’re not a spambot. I’m pulling for you mediocre. We all are. Godspeed.

  37. The bands whose names I would use for wordplay are pretty obscure, you’ve probably never heard of them.

    Just to avoid confusion, the entirety of the above sentence is the name of my imaginary food cart.

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