I’m getting married next summer. While that should probably translate to a ton of work, so far it’s only meant spending whole days looking at pictures of cake on Pinterest. It’s thoroughly delightful. My only problem is some people seem to think it’s okay to classify cupcakes as cakes. They are not. They are an insult to cakes.
Cupcakes are horrible. Sure, you can decorate them to look like pandas…
…but you can do that with real cakes too and they’re way more impressive.
What problem has the cupped cake solved? Were people complaining that pieces of cake needed to be smaller and more expensive? Cupcakes cost more than equivalent amounts of actual cake, and for what? FOR WHAT? Because they have 100% more paper? It’s not even good paper. It would jam up your printer every time.
Then there’s the frosting. Frosting is great and all, but it can’t be the focus. Anybody over 5 years old knows that too much frosting can ruin a good slice of cake. And cupcakes took the centuries-old perfect ratio and screwed it all to hell. Every cupcake is like the corner piece of a grocery store sheet cake. It seems like a good idea when you’re waiting your turn, but you’ll regret it almost immediately. Oh, and they added paper to this stupid corner piece. In case I need to write a short note to the bakery telling them to go fuck themselves.
And then it got worse. Somebody came up with the idea of cake pops, like a cupcake with more sticks in it. It’s like they were punishing me for seeing through their cupcake ruse. Obviously cake pops are just a way for women at Starbucks to convince themselves that they’re not really breaking their diet. “It doesn’t count as calories if it’s on a stick.” That may be true, but it also doesn’t count as cake.
It’s only a matter of months before everybody is selling Cake Morsels and then by 2015, I’ll be paying $10 for a barista to just whisper the word cake into my ear.
Cake doesn’t need to be improved on. It doesn’t have any paper or sticks on it, the way God intended. It’s just a slice of cakey perfection. Or, in my case, a series of images of cakey perfection that single girls shared on Pinterest in case they ever find somebody to marry.
hey alex,
thanks for this great opinion piece. you’re slowly turning into the new a.tonry who is this generation’s emily harris of printed media.
sincerely,
blogtown reader miguel
No such thing as too much frosting, your opinion is half-baked.
And with that post the Mercury discovers what everyone else has known for two or three years, that cupcakes as a fad are now passé.
Fuck you.
Cupcakes and cake-pops don’t exist at the expense of normal cake, Falcone. Sometimes you don’t need all of that cake, oh whats this, a delicious little cake given to me by a smiling chubby woman? Perfect. Thank you, universe of endless wonder. (I’m gonna mule kick you at the open mic tonight)
Fondant cakes aren’t good neither, it is just dry pseudo cake whith tons of sugar that nobody eats, and filled with… jam!. When you have spent all your money in a beatiful fondant cake you probably will be happy but when you see that everybody left the expensive thing in the plate you will be, well, sorry.
While I admire your childlike wonder, Karmel, you’re just wrong. I’ve been to numerous cupcake-only weddings and it’s a huge disappointment. If they weren’t cool, there would have been a real cake there.
As for you, @NC, you get no argument from me on that front. But when you get married outdoors, your options are limited. Buttercream melts, so most places won’t sell you a cake unless it’s got fondant. I’m desperately searching for a not-dry fondant-covered cake to spend too much money on.