It’s still National Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, people! What did you get me? Well, I got you this clip from Shark Attack Survival, which is about sharks, attacks, and surviving shark attacks. So what did I learn from this seminar?
1) To survive a shark attack, first be a douchebag who calls other guys “bro.”
2) Tie a rope to a big wad of food, and the other end to yourself. Shoot the big wad of food into the shark’s mouth, and he’ll be too busy dragging you around the ocean to eat you.
3) Be awesome. A shark’s awesome. So you got to be awesome, too.
4) Did I mention it helps to be a douchebag?
Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.) More by Wm. Steven Humphrey
Now try it with the Dolphins, the rapists of the seas. Good Luck.
You can’t argue with this: “If my head was in that shark’s mouth instead of that fish head, I’d be in a lot of trouble.”