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GOOD MORNING PORTLAND! Some Mercury staff are out of town this week which means some other basic standards are also on vacation, which means I get to write the news! Wee! I'm wearing a little fedora that says "press" and everything. Prepare to get your shit informatively rocked.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

  • Hot off the presses, from our own Courtney Vaughn: Portland Aims to Have 780 Village-Style Shelter Beds Open by End of 2024. This is great! Why not more? Read the article to find out, you slacker.
  • A Portland man was arrested yesterday for allegedly operating a human trafficking ring out of a massage parlor in Lake Oswego. There are at least 10 victims, believed to be women from other countries coerced into prostitution.
  • Former Mercury best friend Dirk VanderHart who is now at OPB breaks down what state politicians are doing with our tax money, and they're prioritizing housing, homeless services, and childcare. Cool.
  • Only SIX days until Valentine's Day! Do you need information? We got you: our Valentine's Day issue IN PRINT is on the streets! There is so much dang content in there. I wrote something truly stupid; I hope you like it.
  • In keeping with the spirit of the upcoming holiday, the Oregonian put together a list of great places to get heart-shaped snacks. Meanwhile, our paper put out a list of places to break up with someone. There are plenty of ways to get local Valentine's news, is what I'm saying.
  • Here is the headline: "Portland Audubon Announces New Name, Dropping Both Portland and Audubon." Take a moment to think about what the funniest name would be. I was thinking like, Crow Crew. Beak Buds. The Breaderalist Society. Actual new name can be found here. 

    Anyone else feel like The Muppets are saying too much? 

     

  • Elmo showing all this concern for the rest of us and this is what's happening? Get your own house in order, Elmo. 

In NATIONAL/INTERNATIONAL NEWS:

  • Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu shot down a deal that would have gotten a temporary ceasefire in Gaza in exchange for the return of the remaining Israeli hostages. Netanyahu's reasoning was that he wouldn't stop fighting until Hamas was eliminated so as to prevent another massacre of Israelis by Hamas. 1,300 Israelis died in the October 7th attack; nearly 28,000 Palestineans have died in Israeli's military response, so yeah, "massacre prevention" doesn't seem to be the vibe with that guy.
  • Yesterday Senate Republicans blew up their own bill because they hate governing but like complaining. The bill was initially for funding for Ukraine and other foreign aid but Republicans were like "not without border security!" and Democrats were like "yeah okay whatever" because they are nothing if not foolish pragmatists, and when a bipartisan deal on the bill was shockingly reached, Donald Trump - an unemployed criminal - convinced Republican Senators to bail because he didn't want Biden to get the W. It's very cynical and embarrassing for them. 
  • Speaking of embarrassing Presidential candidates, Nikki Haley yesterday lost the Nevada primary to "none." Meanwhile, Democratic challenger Marianne Williamson suspended her longshot campaign against Biden the incumbent. Perhaps the two of them should become friends.
  • And back to the original embarrassing presidential candidate: the Supreme Court is going to hear arguments on whether Trump can stay on the ballot in spite of trying to overthrow the government. This is one of those things where if we win ("we" being people with eyes who saw the insurrection happen) we still lose because they'll probably do it again and possibly successfully this time. I'm not excited!
  • Jennifer Crumbley, whose then-15-year-old-son Ethan killed four teenagers and injured seven others at his Michigan high school back in 2021, was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter for having given him the gun in the first place and not keep it secure. Lock up your guns, you freaks. Or even better: don't have guns! Don't give your fragile teenager a gun!
  • Good news? Is it possible? It seems that the pod of killer whales stuck under ice in Japan has escaped. Hooray! I don't want to get greedy with good news, but hopefully they're off to fuck up some yachts.
  • Yesterday, the largest study ever on trans and non-binary people was released, and it showed that while many of them reported obstacles in their daily lives, including discrimination and weirdos being generally up in their business, they are overwhelmingly satisfied with their lives and transitions. Listen to people when they tell you who they are! 
  • And MORE good news: there's gonna be a Moana 2! But now I worry that my child will be too old for it by the time the movie comes out in November, and instead of celebrating an expansion of the film's gorgeous universe, I am mourning the passage of time. 

  • Enjoy yourselves today, friends. Treat yourself like you are someone that you love. Dolly Walnuts the one-eyed pug believes in you: