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Good morning, Portland! I'm Elinor Jones, back on my bullshit here with the morning news dump because other people needed time off and the people need content and who am I to disappoint you? I would never. You can't spell "disappointing" without "pointing," as in I am pointing to myself, saying "I would never disappoint you."
Would you like to read the news with me? Okay!
In Local News:
• This very news establishment is 25 years old! Our special anniversary edition is now live online, and print issues are hitting the streets. I may be biased but I think it's a pretty good read. There's an arts round-up, a history lesson, memories, the best bad ideas we had, I wrote the best gossip of each of the last 25 years which was actually a lot more work than I thought it was going to be when I pitched it and I am like Tinkerbell in that if you don't applause for me I will die.
Celebrate 25 years of news, entertainment, and MAYHEM with the Mercury's 25th Anniversary Issue—in print and on the streets now in more than 500 spots citywide! www.portlandmercury.com/collections/...
— Portland Mercury (@portlandmercury.com) July 31, 2025 at 7:53 AM
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• In other news the massive earthquake in Russia did result in some tsunami waves here on the West Coast, but they haven't been too major, and thankfully, everyone in potential tsunami zones seems to have taken the warnings very seriously and did what they had to do to be safe. This makes me glad because I was pretty furious about the American Airlines flight that caught fire during takeoff where you could plainly see in social media videos of the evacuation that everybody had all their shit with them as they bounced down the emergency slide! They tell us not to do that!!! (Okay, okay, I can excuse the people who had their small items like purses that would have been right in front of them because it would be dumb to leave your house keys on an exploding 747 but there is no excuse for the freaking roller bags.)
• From OPB: starting tomorrow, metered parking in the Central Eastside will be extended from 7pm until 10pm. This is to help raise funds to pay for other transportation stuff like fixing potholes and general road safety. Yet another reason to use public transport when you're out late - a bus pass is cheaper than street parking!
• The Oregonian came out with their list of the 40 best restaurants in Portland. I won't tell you what topped the list but I can tell you that I still haven't been able to get a reservation there. I need to get out more, this city has so much good stuff! (One thing about having a small child is that my restaurant options tend to be limited by who all's got buttered noodles on the menu.)
• Also from the Oregonian: the Owens-Brockway glass recycling plant in NE Portland is closing next month, laying off its 90 employees. This is the building that looks like a giant wrench that you see from Rocky Butte. That's a pretty specific shape but I wonder if it's possible to repurpose it into something else? I am getting, like, paintball? Do people still do that?
• Up in Washington, a woman is suing the Port of Bremerton because her 2-year-old daughter was kidnapped and bitten by otters. That is so freaking scary! (She's okay now.) We give Florida a lot of shit for all their crocodile (alligator? IDC) problems but it's easy for us to do that because those are not cute animals and fearing them is logical. Otters are cute so it probably would have created a public outcry if the Port had euthanized them when they started getting complaints of them smearing fish guts and poop all over public rights of way. This follows the same logic as why bulldogs exist: cute stuff can get away with anything.
• Heading to Pickathon this weekend? We have sooo many suggestions and tips!
• From the outside: I can hardly acknowledge how lucky I feel that we've had such a mild summer so far because I'm superstitious and I feel like getting cocky about the weather will cause an immediate heat wave and a dozen forest fires. So instead of discussing our blessings with today's forecast I will simply say you'd probably be fine in either pants or shorts.
• Goddammit, right after I wrote that bit about the weather being nice I saw this update about dry thunderstorms. I jinxed us and I'm sorry.
In National/World News:
• Kamala Harris announced that she won't run for governor of California. I honestly had not even clocked that that was on the table. Some pundits are saying it's so she can consider a 2028 run and I hope to god that is not the case, not only because we need new voices and her candidacy would remind everyone of the disastrous Biden-caused 2024 election, but because this is a woman who was made to become a podcast millionaire. Right? Like, have on the Obamas, and your cool stepdaughter, and leave the politics for people who want to do something inspiring.
I’ve had nothing to do with that pedophile since he stole all of my teenage masseuses.
— Tim Onion (@bencollins.bsky.social) July 29, 2025 at 3:34 PM
• Tomorrow is the deadline for Trump's tariffs and countries are scrambling for deals. South Korea got a deal worked out whereas Brazil is getting hit hard because their Supreme Court is going after Trump's dictatorial bestie Jair Bolsonaro. Brazil's current president, Lula da Silva, is rolling his eyes and reminding the world that they are actually a large and important nation and Trump is just one guy.
• In other international news, things in Ukraine are not the best right now. Russia is pressing hard and Ukraine is having a hard time keeping up with enough people and weapons to fight them back.
• And while photos of emaciated children have stirred some people into caring about the genocide in Gaza, aid is not getting there quickly enough, and people seeking aid are killed as they wait. Israel's leaders still insist that the people aren't even hungry. Trump sent a US envoy to get eyes on the situation, as if images of babies with visible spines and ribs weren't already seared into our brains.
• Brown University capitulated to Trump by saying that they would bar trans students from using the bathroom that aligns with their gender identity in order to get $50 million in funding. Meanwhile, Harvard is open to spending half a billion dollars to settle their dispute with Trump. God, can you imagine spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on an ivy league institution to later learn that they were blowing through your payments on trying to make a mad king happy? Everybody who doesn't get into Harvard this year or next should simply deny having applied and say they'd never touch that problematic loser school.
• But back to people in power throwing the trans community under the bus: Pete Buttigieg came out saying that there were fairness issues with trans women competing in sports. Bitch, who asked you? (Steve Inskeep from NPR is who asked him.) This is disappointing. Trans > trains.
After a Martha’s Vineyard pierogi vendor refused to sell to him, Epstein’s lawyer plans to sue a farmer’s market so that they must sell to him.
— New York Magazine (@nymag.com) July 31, 2025 at 6:55 AM
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• I will dive into this in next week's Trash Report but I cannot not acknowledge that Katy Perry seems to be dating former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. This is a huge swing and a miss for Katy AND for Trudeau. Their PR people were not thinking creatively enough. Justin Trudeau should have rebounded with, like, Kesha. And Katy Perry should have rebounded with...you know what? Also Kesha! This would have been interesting. What is happening is just...yuck.
That's it for now. Have an incredible day out there. I'll be rooting for you.
@happydog541 It’s so cute.#funnyvideos #happy #cute #animal #otter ♬ Lil Boo Thang - Paul Russell
