ELON MUSK: Men would literally rather spend 43 billion dollars on an app than go to therapy.
ELON MUSK: Men would literally rather spend 43 billion dollars on an app than go to therapy. Courtesy CNN

Welcome, friends, to another edition of The Trash Report, where I cherry-pick the latest in news and gossip so I can write about things that you might enjoy. All you have to do is keep reading, and if you make an amused little "hm" sound, then my work is complete. (Even if you don't, my work is still complete. I actually finished this column a few days before you are reading it.)

This week's theme is "HANG ON, CAN THEY DO THAT??"

Can people sell tickets to witness a human autopsy??

Apparently yes, they could, but a new Multnomah County ordinance is likely to go into effect to regulate the practice. Such an ordinance didn't exist previously because it seemed like basic human decency wouldn't have made it a necessity, but we're living in the darkest timeline, folks, and any fucking weirdo with $500 and time to kill could have until recently gotten an in-person view of a stranger's dismemberment on plain display in a hotel ballroom. Multnomah County board vice-chair Lori Stegmann spoke for all of us when she said: "Like what is wrong with people, frankly?" Seriously, Lori.

Can we sell T-shirts that say "I came to Oregon and all I got was essential healthcare services?"

We should! Planned Parenthood has obtained a lease on property in Eastern Oregon, near the border of Idaho. While the organization hasn’t yet confirmed if it will begin providing healthcare services in that area, they acknowledge that we’re about to see Roe v. Wade overturned by the Supreme Court, and Idaho will become one of many states to criminalize most abortions, but since the people living in that state will still need access to this healthcare service, we may as well get ready. I, for one, welcome our Idahoan friends; I hope you have a pleasant time here in Oregon and that you leave our state exactly the amount pregnant that you wish to be.

Can Oregon workers come together and win against a gigantic corporation?


But wait, there's more!

Can Elon Musk really just buy Twitter?

The biggest story out of the last few days has been about TFG and I'm so tired of seeing his name and all the conversations on what billionaires can get away with (the answer is "probably everything!"), but I don't think I can ever get tired of this:

Can People for Portland use money for permanent housing on not permanent housing??

For the second time, no! They can't!

Can we bring more haunted energy into our current state of being?

That's it for this week, pals. If you stumble upon any ancient ruins, please leave them to rest.

Love always,