If you like Ariana Grande in this dress, you’ll *love* her in less!
If you like Ariana Grande in this dress, you’ll *love* her in less! Robin Marchant / Getty Images Entertainment

Welcome, friends, to another edition of The Trash Report. I am three racoons standing on each other’s shoulders in a trench coat, also known as Elinor Jones. Times are—as usual—bad, but I've dumpster-dived some winners this week and I am hopeful that we can find something to live, laugh, and love about.

Potentially Horrific Situation Turns Out Okay

This isn't a timeline much peppered by happy endings so I really want to boost this story: A huge fire broke out at a residential care facility in Southeast Portland early last Wednesday morning, and every resident was safely rescued. This is amazing, and it sounds like the overnight staff had a huge hand in locating residents and moving them to safety. Their names are Hermie Magistrado and Tim Spencer and they are heroes. This situation could have been so awful, but it wasn't, and that's really nice. So nice, in fact, that the broken-down gray lump I used to call a brain that's so wired for bad news wants to believe it's a trick, but this Oregonian article includes a picture of the residents seated safely outside, so it's real. Something good happened.

But Some Things Are Still Bad

COVID cases are steadily climbing in Multnomah County, prompting Portland Public Schools to urge masking in the classrooms until cases decline. They sent out an email to families on Friday with the recommendation, and like many, I ignore all email from Friday afternoon to Monday morning, so I only saw said recommendation after dropping my child off at school this morning, without a mask, making me feel like a really bad mom. And not a cool bad mom, like Mila Kunis. An actual bad mom, like…well, me, I guess. :(

Cryptocurrency Is Also Bad

I have seen The Big Short and while I don’t understand the math, it taught me not to trust get-rich-quick schemes peddled by a certain type of bro, which is why I've aggressively rolled my eyes at all mentions of cryptocurrency (while again refusing to try to understand the math... YOLO). Now, the market is crashing and I would feel very smug if I didn’t also feel pretty bad for all of the people who were duped into investing by a handful of celebrities and Twitter accounts with cartoon monkey avatars. Celebrities who were quick to hawk the fake money (in exchange for actual money) have been silent on the crash, including Matt Damon:

Seems like my retirement plan of burying cash in my back yard wasn't that bad after all! (Fortunately I also don't understand inflation.)

Celebrities Wear Unexpected Items

The opulent costumes of the Met Gala are but a distant memory. Thankfully celebs are gonna celeb and continue wearing things to get our attention, and in the unlikeliest of combinations! Pop star Dua Lipa recently completed a delightful round of 73 questions with Vogue which included costume changes; once she was settled comfortably in jeans, high heels, and a shirt that can only be described as a sequined napkin, she demonstrated a headstand for the camera. Impressive! Of course, the main thing about a headstand is that the feet are in the air, so the fact that she nailed it in heels isn't actually that impressive. Talk to me when your high heels are hand heels, Dua.

Ponytailed darling Ariana Grande also did some unexpected wardrobing and wore a bra to her brother's wedding. As one who has worn a bra to many weddings, at first I wasn't impressed. Only after clicking through to read the article did I realize that this was noteworthy—because she was only wearing the bra on top, no shirt! To a wedding! Now we're talking!

Megan Thee Stallion also wore basically just a bra recently, but the look was overshadowed by Cara Delevingne being a fucking weirdo all over it:

An Unrelated but Important Moment in the History of Trash

That's all she wrote, friends! See you next time. I'll be back before you can say "Matt Damon owes a lot of people a lot of apologies for a variety of reasons."

Yours in trash,