Here is an email I sent to everyone here at the Mercury this afternoon. You may adapt the following rules to your own office White Elephant Gift Exchanges—but I would advise against it. As they stand, they are unfuckwithable.

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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

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