I’d hire a disgraced ex-mayor as my top bro. I’d release the hounds on my own people agitating for justice. I’d okay gobs of million-dollar lawsuit payouts to cover brutality and abuse. I’d consult only with the Pearly peeps, business brohemes, and landed gentry to cobble policy. I’d portray a proven community leader as a scary, mouthy radical to win reelection. I’d employ fear to prevent recall. I’d do prezactly nothing to resolve poverty, houselessness, and decay in my city. I’d reward my thuggish security forces with even more bags o’ tax money. Then I’d go full-on AWOL until I can slink away and become that rarest of all forest animals, the highly paid white male political consultant. Yesseree Bob, that’s what I’d do.

3 replies on “‘f’I were king of the forest…”

  2. If you were King of the forest, you wouldn’t chop trees down to put up every absentee landlord’s favorite shadeless, sardine can apartment buildings surrounded by parked cars like a moat, alongside smoggy noisy freeways and call it an environmentally conscientious choice. You wouldn’t leave street trees unpruned until their limbs grow too long and break off. You wouldn’t hire college educated bimbo Parks Department staff who don’t mind chopping Park Block trees down to build a bikeway instead of simply removing a lane of street parking. You wouldn’t approve the use of Roundup to kill pretty enough plants in parks to make room for prettier plants. You wouldn’t be heir to a family of forest tyrants who never saw a tree that didn’t look to them better cut down.

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