Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

To all the douchebags (male and female) who go to shows and do
nothing but blab to their douchebag friends and text on their douchebag
phones while the band is playing: Double-yoo-tee-motherfucking-eff? You
pay $10-20 to see a band, and instead of paying any kind of attention
to them, you’re just going to do everything in your power to ruin the
experience for all the people who are actually there to hear and see
music? Really? Is this your idea of enjoying a show? Texting and
bullshitting? Do you even like music? Or do you go to shows like this
just because you think it will make you cool? Let me make a suggestion:
Go to a fucking dance club! See, the music at these places is RECORDED.
There’s no need to pay any attention to anything other than looking
cool and acting cool! You’d love it! And you can text to your heart’s
delight without worrying about bothering the dorks like me who actually
give a shit about things like live music. I’m pretty sure the date-rape
scene is way hotter in places like this,
too.—Anonymous

15 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  1. yeah texters, you are so uncool, talking and laughing with your friends during a show, how dare you? this guy obviously has read the pdx cool guy concert manual… “seriously contemplate and quietly get into the music, almost like a zombie. slight head movement is ok, but keep your groove self conscious and aloof. then rave afterward how amazing they were and/or how they were much better when you saw them before all the douchebags got turned on to your special band.

  2. OR Maybe this guy pays his hard-earned money to go SEE and HEAR a band, not YOU talking about your crotch-rot, or whatever it is that you feel is necessary to scream over the band to your friends about. Find somewhere else to talk – maybe somewhere where you don’t have scream over the music and irritate everyone around you.

  3. I get being annoyed by talking, but getting your panties in a bunch over texting at a concert – unless we’re talking chamber music or something else very still and quiet and dark – is just lame.

  5. I don’t think the point is texting in and of itself. It’s the idea that going to see and hear a concert, for some people, means just that. It makes sense. It’s simple. Douchebags that text their douchebag friends may not be ruining the experience for others (the douchebags they are texting may not even be douchebags at all! Although, generally speaking, texting seems to be a douchebag institution akin to keeping up with blue-tooth technology and reading books suggested by Oprah’s Book Club), but it raises the question: why go through the trouble (buying tickets, looking for parking, finding a reasonable place to observe the show from, dressing up in uncomfortably tight clothes and big glasses that make your face look funny, etc) of going to see a concert only to distract one’s self with other things?

  6. Its shit like this that makes me sympathetic to the folks who want shows to be alcohol-free. Just not quite sympathetic enough to actually give up the booze.

  7. WOW not only do you sound like a real DORK, but a real loser that gets so worked up over an issue like someone texting at a live show. I understand common courtesy, NO talking in a live music environment, since it does interrupt things for other listeners, but what’s the issue around if someone wants to send a text? and who cares if they are wasting their money?!? why is that an issue that concerns YOU?? Are you really that egocentric that you think the sun rises and sets on your ass? And DATE RAPE? What does that have to do with anything? You have got serious issues buddy. how about finding other ways to allocate your time and miserable energy..maybe Yoga??

  8. Aren’t you getting enough attention at your concert? Loser. If you honestly care that much about what other people are doing at a concert, you’re just retarded. Mind your own business toolbox.

    Like you said, they paid their entry as well, who are you to tell them what they can do inside. It shouldn’t interfear with your good time unless you’re just a prick to begin with or you’re at the symphany or something. Maybe someone is saying the same thing about you not dancing? or not singing along, or drinking your beer. I guess I’d be pissed off if I listened to crappy portland indy pop music that attrackted those types of people. Y

    Your band isn’t good enough to draw all your attention, so either you suck or they do, my guess is both.

  9. Looser, Thank you for sharing your pathetic wet diaper rant that is obviously, little more than a true life confession of your misserable existence. I’m really sorry you blew your two week collection of empty PBR cans and all the change you could dig out of your stupid hippy mother’s basement apartment sofa, (that you happen to live on) to go see a show so painfully bad that other people there, the ones with friends, jobs and yes, even cell phones, resorted to texting and talking in order to stay f-ing awake!
    Your not pissed that they where texting, or talking; your pissed that they have friends, lives,taste in live entertainment, and money to pay for their beer and cell phone bills.
    Sorry the rest of the world cannot be as sullen and bitter as you. Entertainers are not owed an audience any more than you are owed your sorry existence. Get over yourself, Get over your precious sucky band, go bathe, then… GET A JOB DOUCHEBAG! Oh, I’m sorry, is this bothering you? Yeah, then you should probably quit wasting air, crawl back down into the rat infested hole you slithered out of and wash down your mommy’s valium by the handful with her Monarch vodka until everyone feels a whole lot better.

  11. How can texting annoying people? Don’t pay attention to them. And if they’re really bothering you, go somewhere else (unless it’s a seated show, then just tell that person off).

  12. “How can texting annoying people?” Oh, I don’t know, how about at the movies when some jackoff flips open their phone in front of you and it lights up, distracting you from the screen? Same thing at a concert; there’s a reason the house lights are turned down, so you can get a better look at the fucking stage you fucking texting idiot. Now go update your Facebook status, asshole. I’m sure you just did something really important, like wake-up.

  13. Oh my god. Thank you anonymous. I wanted to start a fight at the VAST show with a guy who was the size of a Ford fucking Explorer because he had his goddamned back to the band & was standing FRONT & CENTER in my way. Do you know how LONG I’ve waited to see them!? *steams* I will always remember that show & that douche typing “ur hot. will you kiss me?” on his screen & waving it in all the girls’ faces. Wuhhhh

  14. I have often been on the verge of flipping out and assaulting people who come to shows and flap their fucking gums while someone is on stage pouring their hearts out, be it metal,folk, rock , indie funk or (ha!what’s indie funk?!) whatever. It’s so unbelievably disrespectful and obnoxious. And yes the conversation is always about something along the lines of crotch rot. GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. Why are you even at a LIVE SHOW???????WHY? Fuck off before some one like me has had enough and freaks the fuck out on you. Trust me you don’t want that. Maybe if any of you gum flappers had the slightest amount of balls to put yourself up and out there like the person performing you would know just how insulting it is to have people like you in the audience. For all the years of dealing with you asstards…FUCK YOU. YOU SUCK.

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