Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

If you are as unhealthy a smoker as I am, you were probably a little
bummed when the smoking ban went into effect. But smoking tobacco is
not the only way to obtain that sweet satisfaction; that extra buzz
that makes your drink taste that much better. No. You can
CHEW!! And while chewing is maybe only somewhat grosser than
smoking, smoking doesn’t require any kind of bodily fluids to be left
in a random glass for other quite pleasant and hard-working service
people to dispose of. I work in a bar. You like to get fucked up, I
give you drinks, and we have rules. Unfortunately, where I work we
don’t have rules against you practically vomiting out a small mass of
slightly fermented, wintergreen-scented, decayed tobacco leaves into a
trashcan a foot and a half in front of my face, or a half-empty pint
glass on the bar. But don’t you agree that we should? If you have
to chew, take care of your fucking spit. Your host should never even
know it’s there. So please, plan ahead. Spit into your own
Mountain Dew bottle, not mine.—Anonymous

7 replies on “i, anonymous”

  2. Holy shit, mercury. This is a moderately well-written, partially valid complaint, but is this REALLY the best entries you guys are receiving? I should start writing ones…with standards like these, mine would undoubtedly be published.

  3. I agree with what she has to say. I chew, and I do my best never to leave my spit container behind so that someone else has to deal with it.

  4. Good luck, anonymous, getting the current crop of entitled young Portlanders to curb any obnoxious behaviors for you.

    “Be cool, man. Why are you so uptight? I just bought $3 worth of PBR from you, so I can hang out for three hours spitting wherever I want. Hell, I tipped you 50 cents.”

  5. I’m starting to think that we have some sort of robot spammer that has to respond with “Hey guys, is this the best submission you guys are getting”?

    And what is the deal with airline peanuts? Am I right?

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