Here is how to be less of a dick when you move here.
1. Slow the fuck down. Our streets are small, people actually walk and bike here. It is slower here. Embrace it, it’s part of the charm that you are ruining.
2. Going with number one, do not honk, drive up others’ asses, speed up when passing others, it just makes you look like a dick.
3. Say hi. Smile. Chat with the person who is making your goddamn latte, checking your groceries, bringing you the ironic crepes, whatever. Say hi to people walking by, chat with neighbors, wave to those that yield to you.
4. Stop dropping the doors on people, hold the goddamn door for others, pigs.
5. Put your phone down so that you can engage with your new community, you might meet an actual person, learn something, or find a way to contribute.
6. Stop saying how cheap it fucking is here. It was. It no longer is. No one wants to have it rubbed in their faces that you were able to buy your ugly condo with cash! So now you can drive like a dick and ruin everything for everyone else here.
7. Get involved, volunteer. Protest a thing. Support. Donate. Help. Pay for art. Support small businesses. Make it feel like it’s still Portland. Help someone with a problem, buy a Street Roots. You moved here because you thought it was different, it was.
8. NO adding ‘landia’ to anything ever. NO.
Yup, all these indiscretions are indigenous to other towns.
Portland, you are a unique snowflake.
I most love it for all those reasons
Umm, what about the getting a bird tattoo on your penis? Someone told me we do that now, so.
Here here I, Anon!
I, ANONYMOUS has been, like, Listlandia lately.
good advice for people everywhere.
Welcome to Portland, where we’re so open-minded and progressive that we have a list of 8-10 rules that one must follow at all times when doing completely mundane, everyday shit like walking across the street or using a door. Failure to meet our expectations will result in vaguely scornful glares and pseudoanonymous internet shitposting about transplants.
Nope, nothing passive-aggressive about telling people to “smile!”
9. Complain about gentrification.
10. Never go east of 82nd, talk about Gresham like it’s Fallujah.
“Say hi. Smile.”
Based on the tone, the person who wrote this list is probably following their own advice and smiling constantly!
Hilarious. Get over yourself. Your town is a drizzly berg filled with packs of homeless tweakers and self bsorbed a-holes. Your list of rules is exhibit a of the latter. Bite me.
Here’s a better piece of advice, don’t listen to idiots on the Internet.
PS, 1 – 3 are complete bullshit, while 7 is only half bullshit.
Aestro, The only difference between Gresham and Falujah is RPGs.
This shtick is so tired. Things change, places change. That’s life. If you’re so miserable then why are you still here? Got forbid you leave Portland and learn something about the rest of the world. And the punks who whine the most about this are the ones who in reality contribute little to nothing. You support the local economy by buying taxed weed, you make sandwiches with kimchi on them, and you promote your shitty noise rock band. Fucking phenomenal pal. YOU are the worst element of Portland. The self-obsessed, passive-aggressive Portland native still hanging out two blocks from his high school. Go fuck yourself.
This post just made my day! So did the comments! I love it!
This would only have been written by someone who has never lived anywhere else decent.
And btw, the first two are crap. Driving 15 mph in a 30 mph zone has no excuse, unless you are over 80. It’s just because you have nothing important to do and don’t give a shit.
And if you’re impeding traffic because you’re seized with indecision about whether you have enough room to go around that car (you have about ten feet extra!) or because stopping dead in the middle of traffic seems totally the right thing to do if you don’t know your way, then I’m gonna honk.
I’m also gonna honk if the light turns red and several seconds go by and you’re still sitting there. How many times have ten cars been forced to wait another round of lights because the first jackass in line took so long to go that the sensor thought there were no cars and turned red again? This only happens here.
You were pretty close on #7, but it should’ve read…
7. Get involved, post regularly in IA.
Why is your list about car rules. If you live the true life you ride a bike and take public transit. Here are a few more that are valid
#9 Say hello to the dog before the owner.
# 10 work on your home. Don’t just let it die. It rains and water is a buildings worst enemy.