THE SAD TRAVESTY OF THE DANDY WARHOLS

DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY—Sadly, reading your “Community
College’s Portland Musical Nourishment Pyramid” by Ezra Ace Caraeff
[Feature, Sept 17] left me outraged. People who listen to the Dandy
Warhols SHOULD feel guilty, because they are committing a
sad travesty. Shame on you, Mercury, for promoting such a
completely mind-numbingly obvious and lame choice! The Dandy Warhols
are as musically impotent as my aged grandpappy. Their benign and
utterly mundane pop music, not to mention their holier-than-thou
everything-that-stinks-about-Portland-hipsters mentality sickens and
disgusts many. If they are indeed the most well-known band to come out
of this town, it’s no wonder that we are viewed, by many, to be morons.
I wish they would move to LA, where I’m sure they would be treated much
more appropriately—like the mid-level musicians they are.

Cory McMahon

HAVING A PORTLAND COW

DEAR MR. DAVIS—In your astute analysis of Portland’s “crime
scene” and Commissioner Saltzman’s secret “Rogue’s List,” you seem to
be blithely ignoring all the glaring socioeconomic and psychosocial
factors that contribute to a person likely ending up on “The List,”
instead running around indiscriminately crying, “Racial profiling!
Racial profiling!” [Hall Monitor, News, Sept 24] Yes, Portland’s
population is largely white and a minority of residents is African
American. Given. But when compiling a list of the worst downtown
offenders, it is what it is. Non disputandum est. I hate to
burst Portland’s idyllic bubble of how the world works, but here is the
Romper Room version of why “The List” might break down the way
it does: Let’s say Portland is a spherical cow, eight bulging udders
and all. Now say there are one million people who constitute this
Portland cow, which is 90 percent white and 10 percent black. You seem
to be implying that the police commissioner’s secret list should be
“fair” and comprise 90 percent white people and 10 percent black
people. However, this is a gross over simplification. Of those
100,000 African Americans living in Portland, let’s say 50 percent are
at high risk for becoming criminals, due to the aforementioned risk
factors, and 1 percent of these (500) actually become hardened
criminals that are likely to make “The List.” Then take the
900,000 Wonder Bread Portlanders, and let’s say 5 percent experience
the same poverty, discrimination, and other risk factors which might
lead them to a life of violent crime, and assume 1 percent of these
folks (450) become hardened repeat offenders who might make “The List.”
Voilà! We could plausibly predict the commissioner’s secret list
to be composed of over 50 percent African Americans. I know my analysis
is a gross oversimplification as well, but you get the idea.

Christopher Lovett

BAHEENA BAGINA, VAHEENA VAGINA

DEAR EDITOR(S)—Ann Romano—be still my beating
heart—has repeatedly used the string of letters “vaheena” to
represent the word “vagina,” often to great comic effect, especially
when talking about Kate Gosselin (be still my quivering spermatoza)
[One Day at a Time, ongoing]. Methinks Ms. Romano is attempting to
transliterate the Spanish pronunciation of their word for vagina, which
is spelled the same as in English but which is pronounced ba-HEE-na.
Note the “b” sound in Spanish for the letter “v.” With a
powerful word like “ba-HEE-na,” there’s no need for anything more
slangy or vulgar. And now I’m reminded of Chick Rio’s (and the Champs)
1958 saxophone tune: Duh, duh-duh, duh-dut, dut, dut: ba-HEE-na!

Brian Cobb

THANK YOU BRIAN for the Castilian pronunciation tutorial. Brian
wins two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go
Fish!, where it tastes great, no matter how you put it.