Letters to the Editor

THUS, THE OFFICE-WIDE TWEED BAN

DEAR MERCURY—Wow. Another weak-ass music section. Is it
possible for you overeducated dweebs to maybe drop the bullshit crap
folk/dance garbage obsession to maybe cover some fucking metal once in
a while? Or possibly stop blathering about Explode into Colors every
fucking issue? Not one word on eyehategod this week? Fucking Califone
[“Sound and Vision,” Music, Dec 3]? It’s beginning to look a lot like
the Doug Fir’s show listings—week after week of pretentious
garbage for pretentious knock-kneed hipster fucks. Stop wearing tweed
in the office and put on some leather for fuck’s sake. Did I say “fuck”
enough? Horns up, assholes!

-Growaset

SARAH MIRK’S CAPACITY

TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL: Hey Portland Mercury,
Sarah Mirk is HOT and she should be on every one of your
guyses… um… covers? She should also be in way more
pictures in your guyses editions. Because this edition of the
Mercury [excited woman in the background: “Sooo hoooot!]
was like the best one EVER and you guys should always be frontin’ with
pictures of Sarah Mirk! Oh god! I think maybe a new column with Sarah
Mirk in some sort of capacity would be a really good idea. Because
she’s smokin’ hot and Portland needs a new sex symbol. Damn. [“Damn!”]
Damn. [“Damn!”] It’s just, you guys don’t even know what you’ve
got—you’ve got a goldmine here. [Passes the phone to excited
female: “A goldmine, oh my GOD! Sarah Mirk is so smokin’, I
can’t even BELIEVE how smokin’ she is! Dude, you should totally put
like a column up in the Portland Mercury with Sarah Mirk, ’cause
that would be rad.”] More than the news, because she is the
news, and you guys really need to publish the news more. Because if the
Willamette Week has anything to say, the news is where it’s at,
you know? And Sarah Mirk is the news. So just follow her around
and be like, you know, “Travels with Sarah.” Or you know, “My Hot
Southeastern… Southeast Portland Living Life.” Oh god…
alright, I’m done.

WHITE WHEELED

As a minority who lived in Portland my whole life I have to say
riding a bike is pretty much a white people thing [“More Bleeding-Heart
Liberal Jokes about Hate Crimes,” Letters, Dec 3]. And a tweaker thing.
I don’t want to be on your team. Not now, not ever. Thanks.

-Posted by P.Caulfield on portlandmercury.com

A DETRIMENT TO NATURE IN GENERAL SINCE 2000

DEAR SIR OR MADAM—I find your “newspaper” ignorant and
belittling of my intelligence. You hurt my brain every time I see an
issue of your paper on the ground. It should only be used to line
birdcages and clean the delicate asses of homeless people. Your
articles and writing are about as worthy of being called news as a
hooker’s vagina being called tasty. I demand that you fire every staff
member, including yourself, burn your offices to the ground, and bury
the ashes in the E. coli-infested waters of NW toilets everywhere. I
think you are bringing our city to a new low, in which cul-de-sac kids
everywhere become hopelessly ignorant of any current or important
events, you are worthless to our society and a detriment to wildlife,
and nature in general. I hope one day to find multiple staff members at
a bar drinking Pabst so I may challenge them all to fisticuffs. In
closing please if you must keep running papers please cut out what you
call news, and save some trees by only running it once a year, maybe on
Christmas as a present to your narcissistic selves. P.S. And to
the gentleman that wrote the apocalypse article [“Welcome to the
Apocalypse!” Feature, Nov 19]: I’m coming to eat you first. One bite at
a time.

-John Edwards

HEAR, HEAR JOHN! It’s letters like yours that make us get out of bed
each morning and produce the worst newspaper in the world. For sharing
your thoughts you shall receive two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater
and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! where fisticuffs are not encouraged at
the dining table. Nor are they discouraged.