A WARNING
RE: All you asshole telemarketers.
To all the asshole telemarketers who call me 20 times a day: You try to spoof me by hijacking other peoples private numbers. You have stressed me out to the point that I am declaring war on you. My cell provider says it can do nothing. The government says it can do nothing because you hide in some shithole country somewhere. Well, I have acquired a sonic weapon of massive hearing destruction, it bounces off satellites and it travels around the planet at the speed of light. It can hit anywhere on earth where you hide with pinpoint precision and it causes permanent hearing damage. It only cost $7, and it does what the phone companies and governments, with all their billions, can’t or won’t. I have wrecked the hearing of several of you assholes. I know it works because you don’t call back. I hate your stinking scamming assess. It’s war, so call, motherfuckers, call. I am waiting!!!
SONIC WARRIOR
TEMPEH-LOVERS UNITE
RE: “UPDATED: Businesses Are Dropping Their Support of the NRA” [Blogtown, Feb 23], Wm. Steven Humphrey’s post about companies ending their relationship with the National Rifle Association, including Delta Air Lines, MetLife, Symantec, Best Western, and Hertz. Still working with the NRA are a number of companies—including Amazon and Apple, which carry NRATV, the NRA’s streaming television channel.
Another company that should be pressured: Whole Foods. Amazon just bought Whole Foods; Amazon also streams the NRA channel, which is a barrage of hate speech against everyone who does not support their agenda. Boycotting or otherwise pressuring Whole Foods is one way this tempeh-loving town can mess with the NRA. Otherwise, Amazon is just too big to boycott. Whole Foods is Jeff Bezos’ one soft target.
Apple also streams NRA hate speech. One small thing you can do is contact Apple support and talk to a case manager. My case manager was nice. I politely explained that I was calling to urge Apple to drop the NRA channel. Right now, the tech giants are not joining Alamo and Delta in disassociating from the NRA. It’s time to remind them that consumers want to buy from companies that don’t stream hate speech.
Reverend Bite Me
SNOTTY DRIVEL
RE: One Day at a Time, Ann Romano’s news and gossip column.
The only reason we read this rag is that it’s a smidge better than watching the dryer tumble. So to that Romano person who is so condescending it makes me want to place all copies of the Mercury into the recycling bin: You should know a couple of things.
It matters not that our current administration lost the popular vote, and when you throw in the numbers, all I’m really reading is whining. [Trump lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes.—Eds] Why don’t you take your liberal tuchus back to Silicon Valley and return my part of the country to those who see right through your snide exterior?
I could go on and on, but then I’d resemble you. Nobody wants that. Keep pouring yourself those tasty martinis and keep drinking them. Maybe we can keep you drunk enough that we never have to read your snotty drivel ever again.
Betty Jo Braford
ANN ROMANO RESPONDS! Thanks for your interest, Betty Jo, but I’m straight. Well, actually, I experimented a lot in college… so technically I’m bisexual? In any case, I’m married.
Well, Betty Jo, there you have it. However, we’re still giving you the Mercury’s letter of the week, and two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater! Because anyone whose entertainment options are limited to watching their dryer and reading the Mercury clearly needs a third option.
DEPT. OF CORRECTIONS
Last week’s Ask a Pot Lawyer column, “The Lawsuit Against Jeff Sessions” [Cannabis, Feb 21], was incorrectly attributed to Will Patterson. It was actually written by Vince Sliwoski. UGH. Sorry, Vince!