LOOK, BUT DON’T TOUCH
[Last Week’s I, Anonymous column [“Tit for Tats,” Feb
7] set off a firestorm of letters disagreeing with the author’s
contention that just because she has tattoos all over her chest, it
doesn’t give people (especially men) the right to stare. Below is a
sampling of the responses.]
TO THE LADY WITH TATTOOED BOOBS: AS IF! If I wrote “look at my
forehead” on my forehead, I wouldn’t have much cause to get pissed at
people who looked at my forehead.
A girl with non-tattooed boobs who is rarely bothered by people
staring at her boobs, because it doesn’t happen that much.
IN RESPONSE TO I, ANONYMOUS: I’ll stop looking at your tits when you
stop covering them with art. You don’t want me to talk about your
tattoos? That’s fine as long as you understand that that’s what makes
you appear interesting.
Benny
DEAR MERCURY: To the busty gal with the many “rather
attractive” tattoos: Do you actually believe that being tattooed
differentiates you from “normal” society? If so, consider that Nick
Lachey, Brittany Spears, and Paris Hilton number among your colorful
ranks, not to mention that multitudes of people all over the world are
adorned with ink nowadays.
Smiley von Teeth
[THE MERCURY RESPONDS: It’s “Britney,” not
“Brittany.”]
DEAR MERCURY: This is in response to and in commiseration
with the woman who wrote the “Tit for Tats” I, Anonymous. You pretty
much covered everything, but I have a few more self-important
douchebags to add to the list: Here’s to the pimply nerds at the video
store, the toothless meth heads on Burnside, the drunken good ol’ boys
near my job, junior accounts execs with receding hairlines that use the
word “hardcore,” the barista, the clerk, the banker, the
butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker: FUCK YOU!! If you
don’t know my fucking name, you don’t get to ask me about my fucking
tattoos.
Meghan Trotter
“BUT ALL I WANTED TO DO IS TELL YOU HOW TO RUN YOUR
PAPER!”
DEAR MERCURY: Should we subject the Mercury viewership
to the idea that Barack Obama might just be another homogenized
politician with a bare husk of humanity left remaining? His religious
position, about the power of Christ in the presidency, makes him look
more right wing than Bill Clinton. But instead of letting me call him a
bourgeoisie liberal in the letters section, you published a bunch of
crap. A blog post from someone who was recommended to the
Mercury by the Oregonian, three or four more news entries
strictly about Brittany, more letters about people hating or supporting
your celebrity addiction, a “super-duper awesome sex guide!” and then,
most of the same exact personal ads from the last mag. Way to be
classy. All I wanted to do was call Obama a bourgeoisie douchebag, not
different than any other dog the ruling class puts their choke chain
on.
Andy Carloff
[FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!! IT’S “BRITNEY,” NOT “BRITTANY!” WHAT IS
WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???]
LINES FOR A LOON
DEAR SIR OR MADAM: In order to show my support for a strong Britney
presence in your publication, I submit this little poem, written while
Ms. Spears was a guest of the UCLA Medical Center:
The former Mrs. Federline
Has lost her tiny little mind
And to the hospital’s confined.
I read about it all online.
Perhaps she just needs to unwind.
Let’s pray her psyche realigns.
One really oughtn’t be unkind.
Celebrity is such a grind.
Larold
CONGRATULATIONS TO LAROLD, for whom we are temporarily lifting
our moratorium on poetry, in honor of him knowing how to correctly
spell “Britney.” Larold gets two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater,
and lunch for two at No Fish! Go Fish!, where even non-celebs can get
their psyches realigned.