VULVEENA: IT’S THE CHEESIEST

DEAR SIRS, MADAMS, AND KIDS—In Ms. Romano’s column [One Day at
a Time], she consistently misidentifies that which is viewed under the
skirt of a panty-less tinsel-tart as a vaheena; to wit, a vagina. What
she sees, and unfortunately what we see on TMZ, is a vulva. But
as she is a satiric writer, she does need something a bit catchier than
vulva. Please accept my humble suggestion: vulveena.

 Jack Mason

ALL THAT NOISE

HELLO—I WAS extremely disappointed to read Andrew Tonry’s
poorly written criticism of the Yellow Swans. [Up & Coming, March
13, see Once More with Feeling, pg. 35, for more of Mr. Tonry’s
thoughts on what music is.]. While there are valid things to criticize
about noise music, simply denying its status as music is intellectually
and critically lazy. While it doesn’t surprise me that Mr. Tonry feels
this way, the real shame here lies with the editors. Criticism can be
as pointless and noisy as any band.

Matt Carlson

IN THE POOPER

DEAREST MERCURY—This letter is for Soup, in response to
his response of my letter [“Women’s Orgasms: A Man’s Perspective,”
Letters, March 20]. As we (I) have likened the clitoris to the penis
(since each is the main source of pleasure for the female and male,
respectively), we may also liken the G-spot to the perineum on a male.
The G-spot, like the perineum, is another source of pleasure, though,
again, not the “main” one. Some women can orgasm from G-spot
stimulation, but the majority of them don’t, or won’t, or haven’t. The
point is, perineum stimulation and G-spot stimulation are great, but
are SECONDARY to penile and clitoral stimulation. Trust me. Take it
from someone who’s able to get off a girl just as easily (or nearly) as
she can get off a guy. All human beings deserve style, patience,
technique, knowledge, and communication, but if you’re in the mood for
a quickie, a bit of know-how goes a long way. I’m all for exploring
every aspect of your partner’s body. Just don’t forgo clitoral
stimulation completely and replace it with G-spot stimulation. ‘Cause
that’s like searching for the Holy Grail when you’ve already got the
Golden Ticket in your hand. Ya dig?

Chelsea

IN DEFENSE OF THE HAMMER

DEAR MERCURY—I decided to see The Hammer (despite your negative review), and although it wasn’t an “A” movie,
I’d say it was at least 100 times funnier and more enjoyable
than recent bombs like Good Luck Chuck or Fool’s Gold [“Adam Carolla Must Be Stopped,” Film, March 20]. It certainly deserved
a better review than you could muster, as I suspect you sent an already
anti-Carolla pinhead to the film, whose mind was made up before she set foot into the theater. Basically you gave a solid “B”
movie an “F,” which is unfortunate.

Brian Alls

CINDY PLEASES

DEAR MERCURY—Now that is what I call JOURNALISM [“Eight
Things You Can Learn from Cindy the Erotic Pleaser,” Feature, March
20]! We here (at an undisclosed location) believe Cindy
“the erotic pleaser” ROCKS! As others have come and gone from the
back pages, we recognize Cindy “The Erotic Pleaser” has remained
at the top page, in color, dominating the industry. So
Thursday morning when I stopped into the Red Wing to pick up
two copies of your paper, I was completely blown away
with joy to know that your staff believes in what the people
want… Cindy “The Erotic Pleaser,” you go, girl!

Jacobo

COMPETITIVE LETTER WRITING

DEAR MERCURY—I can’t resist telling you how much
I enjoy one aspect of your paper. Each week people seem to be
competing to win the letter of the week prize. I have to wonder if
people are trying to be extra expressive, lyrical, and even erudite to
win a night out on the town—or are they just trying to express an
opinion? Not only do I appreciate the competition, but I get to read
the thoughts of others, and recently I even got some free sex advice
from a reader who sort of won the prize, but didn’t really. Now if you
could just publish an in-depth interview with Harlot I’d be totally
satisfied.

David C.

WELL, DAVID, you tell us: Were you trying to be extra
expressive/lyrical/erudite, or are you just trying to express an
opinion? Either way, you won the Mercury letter of the week for
not bragging about how good you are at locating G-spots or putting your
finger up people’s butts. So, you get two tickets to the Laurelhurst
Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!