A PRELUDE TO STALKING

RE: One Day at a Time [Dec 5] in which columnist Ann Romano reacts to gossip regarding Two and a Half Men actor Angus T. Jones’ badmouthing of the show in a “freaky Christian video.”

DEAR MS. [ANN] ROMANO—Thank you for those most excellent observations about Angus “Halfman” Jones. Your delicious mélange of disgust, outrage, and incredulity cracked me the hell up! Years ago, I believe you mistook my admiration for a prelude to stalking? My fault, I’m certain, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.

Pat Smith (fan and chronic reader)

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UNDER WATER

RE: “Portland Aquarium Opening Tomorrow Is Surprisingly Rad” [Blogtown, Dec 14], in which reporter Sarah Mirk attends a sneak preview of the new private venture with low expectations and is pleasantly surprised.

HI—I am absolutely horrified by what is called the “Portland Aquarium,” and think it needs to have a news report done on it ASAP. Even on their Facebook page, they refer to themselves as a “petting zoo,” and that is what they are—a fish petting zoo. With not only no hand washing (how is this healthy for the animals?), there is also no supervision of the numerous children touching the creatures. There was a little boy in front of me who ripped a sea anemone off the wall, and squeezed it so hard in his hand that it flew out of his grip, and slammed into the wall. There was a huge moray eel in a tiny aquarium—it could barely turn around, the tank is so small. The seahorses were floating dead at the top of their tank from lack of oxygen. I was horrified at the conditions, and can’t in good conscience support a business that is obviously more concerned about making money than it is about the well being of the creatures there. They are planning on putting river otters in this insanely tiny exhibit, under florescent lights, and some kind of puffin-like birds in another ridiculously small exhibit. My concerns about the animals that I posted on the aquarium’s Facebook page were deleted, after several other concerned parents with similar comments agreed with me. This is censorship. I wrote them emails and haven’t heard back. I am writing on the behalf of those creatures that can’t speak for themselves.

Guilyn Maros

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REDESIGN YOUR ATTITUDE

RE: The recent-ish redesign of the Mercury‘s print look.

DEAR GRAPHIC DESIGN MAJOR—I am not sure if you are aware after 120 credit hours of Illustrator tutorials and countless hours filling Suitcase Fusion with thousands of sans-serif fonts, that the newsprint medium has been perfected for over 100 years. The simplicity of a bold single color header followed by justified columns of serif typefaces has been the standard because of the sheer legibility that a newspaper should have. With your recent redesign I find myself flipping through pages of a hybrid website header, lost type-riddled clusterfuck. Please look around and take note from other major news outlets and go back to a more legible look.

Bring back the serifs.

MERCURY ART DIRECTOR JUSTIN “SCRAPPERS” MORRISON RESPONDS: Dearest Serif Sheriff—The redesign added 40 percent more serifs. We ended serif-less-ness. That’s why we’re the major news outlet.

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MEANWHILE, AT THE OREGON DEPT. OF CORRECTIONS

DEAR MERCURY—Inedible fruit again today for supper!

DL

DAMMIT DL, we hate inedible fruit. That’s a bummer, man. We want to give you the letter of the week as some small compensation. You can’t eat it, unfortunately, but it does earn you two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, which we realize is kind of hard for you to get to these days, but we’ll wait.

2 replies on “LETTERS TO THE EDITOR”

  1. Hey Guilyn, it’s their private Facebook page, they can delete content if they want to. If you really cared that much why are you writing a letter to the editor on the Mercury? Also if the kids washed their hands before touching the animals, it would poison them because SOAP KILLS FISH.

  2. A few notes on etiquette:
    Kids: when you wash your hands, use soap, and then rinse all the soap off.
    Parents: when your kids are near animals, prevent them from throttling, throwing, and otherwise abusing animals for their own enjoyment,
    Other adults: Vegans have a point about speciesism. If you disagree and are making money using other species, then you need to make sure these animals are treated with compassion and respect. Otherwise, the vegans are proven right. Got it?

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