LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

HOW NOT TO GET HIRED

RE: a tiny mistake.

TO THE MERCURY: Do you need a copy editor? Yup, you do. The I Love Television column in the April 17 issue had the following annoying error: Wm. Steven Humphrey said, “people who don’t let you merge into their lane when you’re exiting an of-ramp.” He said, “Hell is certain people.” I would like his list to include people who commit simple grammar and spelling errors and then allow them to be published.

Computer spell checkers are fallible. It seems that most people think a human copy editor is no longer necessary, but you have proven they are essential. With that in mind, I’m offering my services as a final copy editor before your issues go to print. I promise to catch egregious errors such as this one. I won’t need much for compensation, maybe free stuff now and then, a pat on the back, and a thank you for helping your publication save face and not print such easily avoidable ugliness.

Also, I would appreciate if you would find a way to make the ink stay on the paper and not on my hands.

-Mary Presenll

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“I AM OFFENDED WHEN HOMELESS EXIST”

RE: “Six Reasons Why Portland Sucks for Single Men” [Portland as Fuck, April 17], in which Ian Karmel parodies an internet douchebag who hates the homeless.

I am offended when homeless exist near me when I lived in Portland, there is really a sheer abundance. It is really sad and its a shame that this city has a problem like this. It detracts from the quality and gives a bad impression to visitors. My now current wife was visiting Portland with me a few years back, she is from the south and was shocked with how many people sleep in doorways in businesses. I don’t think its something that can be taken sarcastically and to blame others for being offended by their inability to rise to the level of society so many share is offensive to me. [So many sics, we couldn’t be bothered.—Eds.]

-posted by Kyle Ruble

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BATTLE OF THE BANH MI

RE: “Battle of the Banh Mi, Parts I & II” [Last Supper, April 10 & 17], in which Chris Onstad ranks the best (and not-so-best) banh mi sandwiches in Portland.

I surprise people when I say Best Baguette on 82nd and Powell is my favorite restaurant in Portland (considering price, quality, consistency, etc.—not saying it’s “better” than something upscale like Le Pigeon). But what can I say? Their meatball banh mi and sardine banh mi are consistently great for the price.

-posted by Stewart

Paying more than four bucks for a banh mi is stupid—it defeats the whole purpose of cheap street food. No wonder this town is getting full of places selling $12 burgers and idiots are lining up to pay.

-posted by Chato

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SAVE YOUR BUSINESS; BUY OUR PENS!

RE: pens.

DEAR FRIEND: Successful businesses know the value of handing out pens to promote business and goodwill. Hand out the new Ventus Pen today; its bold new styling, rich translucent colors, and personalized message attract more attention to the Portland Mercury.

Let me share an experience I had recently at an auction. It was a dreary day and as I walked the halls of this failed business, I realized how very sad it is when a business dies. And it can happen very easily because the business world is a jungle and what’s the first law of the jungle? That’s right, it’s survival of the fittest. There is no help out there when things get tough.

So my suggestion to you is this. Even if business is good, don’t get too comfortable. Buy some “customer loyalty insurance” and invest in an order of Ventus pens. Trust me, you can’t do enough nice things to let your customers know you treasure them. Best regards!

-Dave Thompson, CEO, National Pen Company

Right you are, Dave! Pens are undoubtedly the salvation our dying print medium has been searching for. And for your words of wisdom and advice, we’re awarding you the Mercury letter of the week, and two passes to the Laurelhurst Theater—which we hear is also in the market for pens!