Oh, sure! You can TRY to blame the Mercury for supposedly not running the mooshy-gushy reader valentine that you FORGOT to submit. But rest assured I will happily fling open the doors of our entire database to your lover, just so you will be exposed for what you are: A NO GOOD, TRIFLING LIAR.

Would you like to avoid this embarrassment?

Then by all means, SUBMIT YOUR FREE MERCURY VALENTINE HERE AND NOW, because the print deadline is tomorrow Saturday, February 4! And while you can still post your valentine online—that’s a fucking joke and you know it. That’s like giving your lover a coupon for a personal pan pizza on her birthday. SEND IN YOUR MERCURY VALENTINE NOW, AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT ROMANTIC. Love is this close to giving up on you.

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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

2 replies on “Last Chance to Submit Your <i>Mercury</i> Reader Valentine!”

  2. How about you give ME the coupon for a personal pan pizza, and I’ll write her a super romantic love note. (Which is exactly what happened with Cyrano.)

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