Hello, and welcome to another Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones and it’s so nice to see all of you with what limited vision I have remaining after rubbing my itchy eyes shut in this glorious springtime that is trying to kill me. The next time Democrats have power (IF, lol) they should legalize marriage between humans and Flonase, because right now I don’t know if I’d ever feel love for a human the way I feel for my nasal spray. Can we talk about literally anything else? Let’s gossip!
National Trash
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth used a Pulp Fiction quote instead of an actual bible quote at a Pentagon service last week. He’s getting dragged for it, and while I’m not one to excuse these ghouls, I can actually kind of understand this mistake. Many godless Americans have only movies for reference since we’ve never been to church. If Elizabeth Warren had ended up in the White House, I could see leftist millennial women speechwriters fucking up similarly, except instead of Pulp Fiction quotes, prayers would have included lines like “And yea though I walk through the shadow of the valley of no food, I will fear no hunger” (Sister Act) and “Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, yay God” (My Girl).
In other DC news, TMZ now has a capital office in Washington, DC, and is treating politicians with the same lack of grace with which they have treated celebrities for years. They were the ones who caught Lindsay Graham with the bubble wand at Disneyworld during the government shutdown, which should be an immediate Pulitzer. But the most likely outcome of TMZ having a Washington office is that when the big news finally comes—you know the news I’m talking about—it’s going to be TMZ breaking it, and the accompanying photo will be a grainy image taken from 300 yards away with that tacky watermark over it, and that will be the image that is forever imprinted onto the cultural psyche.
Festivalia
The deserts of Southern California recently hosted two weekends of dusty celebrities at the Coachella music festival. The big news this year was Justin Bieber’s return to the stage, but I’m more interested in a different Justin, as in the former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. (It’s actually crazy what a cultural wingspan the name Justin has. Trudeau to Bieber? Powerful name.) He attended with girlfriend Katy Perry, and while there, he tweeted his support for the defeat of Trump ally Viktor Orban in Hungary. Perry, meanwhile, shared a carousel of pictures from the weekend, including a picture of Trudeau having a snack wearing jeans and a backwards baseball cap, a look I can only describe as “divorced middle-aged Canadian man at music festival Coachella.” He has a goofy expression in the photo, which makes me wonder if this was her getting back at him for posting about Orban instead of something cute about her? This is boyfriend 101, buddy.
Also at Coachella, Sabrina Carpenter’s performance featured a surprise appearance from Madonna, with both clad in lingerie. And queer couples could breathe easy, knowing that they had a solid six months until Halloween to design and execute a perfectly cute, yet slutty and easily identifiable, couples costume this year.
Brutal
One more bit of music news—Olivia Rodrigo has a new album coming out in June and her first single, “Drop Dead,” dropped last week. Olivia is our patron saint of scribbling out a dude’s picture in our yearbooks, but this song is actually about liking someone a lot? And he is like an angel from the walls of Versailles? Girl got famous famous. The only Versailles most of us have seen is the one from that Netflix documentary and the only angels in it are the tiny dogs that shit all over the floor.
MEN, men, and Man on Man
MEN, men, and Man on Man
Pedro Pascal revealed that the viral moment of him boppin’ at Bad Bunny’s casita at the Super Bowl was as much a surprise to him as it was to us. He shared that he’d reached out to Benito’s people and offered to help as a fan and supporter, then was told to show up in a beige suit; he did so, assuming it was for a photo. Only when he was ushered onto the field did he realize what was happening. Imagine having so much charisma on deck that you can be dropped into a Super Bowl performance like, welp, I guess I’ll just delight the entire universe.
Differently, actor Barry Keoghan took the New York Times Style Magazine “How to Be Cultured” survey and the results were… something. When questioned about his favorite piece of furniture, Keoghan responded with his beanbag chair. He said he brought it to the set of the Beatles movie and offered anyone the opportunity to sit in it. He said, “it’s not telling me what way to sit.” He was also asked what novel explains the world. Beanbag Keoghan’s response: “I’ve not read a novel, not ever. I can’t lie about that.” Hey is anyone else suddenly overtaken by a strong urge to listen to Sabrina Carpenter’s “Manchild” on repeat?
Like all the rest of us, former First Lady Jill Biden has also fallen under the spell of gay hockey romance Heated Rivalry and even bid on a walk-on part for season two, although she was unfortunately outbid. I am so tickled by her having watched this show. Not for her having seen it, but because I like to imagine Joe accidentally also seeing it. I imagine them at home in Delaware. She’s binging her third re-watch in the den, then Joe calls out from the other room, “Jilly, are we out of Rocky Road? Jill? Jillybean?” He’d wander in and see Hudson Williams ass-up on the big screen with Connor Storie’s glistening pecs hovering over him. Joe is wide-eyed, mouth open, ice cream scooper nearly falling out of his hand. Jill is usually pretty nice to Joe, but at this moment she’d lean into his cognitive decline. “This is a story on 60 Minutes about the dangers of TikTok,” she’d say quickly. “Damn shame,” he’d mutter, shuffling out of the room. “We have more Rocky Road in the garage, I’ll get it for you,” Jill would have said, relieved. “I’m going to put on my pajamas so I can go right to bed after,” he said. It’s 6:45 pm. “Love ya, Jilly,” said the man who would currently be president had his aides been brave enough to give him cocaine in June of 2024. “Love ya, Joe” said Jill, content to be watching fictionalized gay romance under an $900 throw blanket, alone.
Family Trash
People Magazine had a thing about a family with 13 children and one more on the way, and how much they spend on groceries. They said it’s $1360 every other month, so that’s what… $680 per month? I buy my child organic strawberries and that line item alone is at least $640 per month.
In other family news, Natalie Portman and Aubrey Plaza both shared that they are expecting babies this year. The cheekbones of New York City’s elite daycares are about to get a hell of a lot sharper.
Local Trash
And it’s literally trash! Portland Mayor Keith Wilson shared that he spends his Sundays picking up trash around the city. In the photos, he is wearing jeans and a backwards baseball cap. In other words, he is dressed exactly like Justin Trudeau at Coachella. I hope Keith Wilson gets to hit the festival circuit when he retires. He already has his outfit ready.
On that note it is time for me to say bye-bye. Thank you for spending time with me! Please go out there and treat others as you wish your allergy medicine to treat you.
Histaminely,
