Okay, people! You’ve had plenty of warning, but I’ll fire one last squirt across your bow. THE MERCURY CHARITY YARD SALE IS THIS SUNDAY—RAIN OR SHINE!
If the weather stinks, we’ll be having it inside the Mercury‘s earthly offices at 605 NE 21st Ave, that’s one block north of Sandy on 21st. We’ll be in business from 11 am – 5 pm, with half-off pricing from 4-5! AND all the proceeds are going to charity. So can the haggling, skinflint.

We’ve got CDs, DVDs, weird magazines, promotional items out the ass, strange artwork, a huge cigar humidifier/trophy case, somewhat ratty furniture, book shelves, toys, dirty toys, extinct videogame systems, and (phew) SERIOUSLY A SHIT TON OF ODD STUFF! Here’s a tiny sampling.

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A vibrating reclining chair! I sat in this thing earlier and cranked it up, and it was sort of uncomfortably erotic. You can either buy it, or take a ride in it for a quarter.

For even more dangerous items, hit the jump!

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A 3-D picture of Jesus in an ornate golden frame (that lights up!). We’ll throw in the sticker that says, “Be nice to me—I gave blood today.”

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I don’t know what this thing is. We bought it at the OMSI sale, and you can put pictures in the cubes, and spin them around. It’s kinda huge… bring a truck.

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And… a family sized assortment of fireworks! Might be dangerously old, and I don’t even know if it’s legal to sell them. Did we mention we’re not responsible for any loss of appendages connected with our CHARITY yard sale?

DON’T MISS THE MOST BIZARRE SALE OF THIS OR ANY SEASON: THE MERCURY CHARITY YARD SALE! BE THERE!!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

2 replies on “<i>Mercury</i> Yard Sale: Your Final Warning!”

  1. Wouldn’t miss it for the world. And you’ll know when I get there ‘cause I’ll show up in a Radio cab, roaring drunk, and dressed like Frank Cassano. My plan is to trash the yard sale, kick Humpy squaw in the nuts, and (hopefully) get lead away by Portland’s finest on assault, criminal mischief, and public intoxication charges.

    Just kidding! I won’t take a cab, I’ll drive my Hummer.

  2. I probably won’t make it, but if you’d like to impersonate me at the sale, I’ll make it easy for you. Print this out and pin it to your chest (maybe just to your shirt, less painful). Please don’t commit any felonies or Class A misdemeanors while wearing it, though.

    http://toddmecklem.com/mecklemround.jpg

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