Adam Sandler’s The Ridiculous 6 Is the Most-Watched Movie on Netflix. I Watched It. All of It.

• Two hours. One star. Taylor Lautner’s face = my face.

Because he is a horrible person, the Mercury’s managing editor, Erik Henriksen, requested that I review Adam Sandler’s Netflix original movie The Ridiculous 6. And because apparently I hate myself, I said yes. So I watched it, and I wrote about it, and if you are clicking through, you have to read about it. We all make mistakes.

A little background: The Ridiculous 6 is the first of Adam Sandler’s exclusive batch of movies for Netflix. It came out a month ago and has already become the most watched film on Netflix ever. EVER. Evvveeerrrrr. This is in spite of all Adam Sandler movies in the last 15 years being total garbage, horrible reviews for this one across the board, and chatter of a script so racist that several Native American actors reportedly walked off the project. What the hell is wrong with everybody? Who is watching this shit? It could be one of your friends. It probably is. Be careful out there.

Anyway, yesterday I forced myself to stop watching the excellent Making a Murderer for two excruciating hours, knowing full well that I’d be fucking up my Netflix recommendations for years.

Within 40 seconds, the film used the word “injun” for the first of at least 500 times.

The Ridiculous Six’s protagonist, if we can call him that, is Tommy (Sandler)—AKA “White Knife,” a white guy whose mother was shot when he was a child and who was then raised by an Apache chief. Here are the names of some of Tommy’s friends in the tribe:

• Screaming Eagle
• Smoking Fox
• Never Wears a Bra
• Beaver Breath

Naturally, Tommy is tracked down by his previously absent father, who’s in deep with some bad guys. Tommy then goes on a journey to steal some money for his dad, running into several other illegitimate sons of his father along the way, and together they form a gang dubbed “the Ridiculous Six.”

As you can see above, the film is offensive to Native Americans within the first minute. It soon goes after Mexicans (they love tacos!), black people (huge dicks!), and the developmentally disabled (everything!). Then, for no real reason, some Chinese folks show up for no other reason than to stand around in those hats and be humiliated.

• Pictured above: Some Chinese folks being humiliated.

And don’t worry, gals—we get some precious moments too.

• This is one of maybe three women in the film with any dialogue.

Sandler somehow conned dozens of well-known actors to partake in this garbage. Here are people in this film who you won’t be surprised to see:

• David Spade
• Jon Lovitz
• Luke Wilson
• Taylor Lautner
• Chris Kattan
• Rob Schneider

Here are all the people who have disappointed me and should have known better:

• Will Forte
• Nick Nolte
• Steve Buscemi
• Terry Crews
• Danny Trejo
• Chris Parnell
• Harvey Keitel
• John Turturro
• Vanilla Ice

Yes, Vanilla Ice is in this movie, and yes, I do believe he could be doing something better with his time.

• There’s Vanilla! Just after this there was a scene where a man in a noose is dragged by a carriage. I opted not to screengrab that one.

The best part of this movie, by far, is when a donkey sharted all over a wall. The second-best part was a minute later, when the donkey sharted on something else. The rest of the movie was painful in its racism, sexism, and most other -isms, and by just being a generally bad and boring movie.

One last depressing note to end this review on: I spent two hours watching this dumb piece of shit, then another hour writing this post, and then I don’t even know how long trying to get that fucking screengrab of Taylor Lautner motorboarding that poor woman. I will get paid $15 for this post. Meanwhile, Adam Sandler and his cronies are performing at the Schnitz in a few weeks with tickets up to $200 a pop. Even if I wanted to go to that, I’d have to write another 14 blog posts to be able to afford it.

Fuck you, Adam Sandler.